This is going to be the first installment in what I hope to be a weekly installment of a little thing I like to call DEADLINES. Hopefully I can scrounge something up every week to put in this part of the blog. I hope to enlighten the naive dropout with the right steps he or she can take towards filling their societal role as a dropout. We can't have every person who leaves school going and making a future for themselves like famous dropouts Mark Zuckerberg (facebook) and Bill Gates (assholes). Sure I could go and launch my idea for an intergalactic networking site for when we finally contact aliens (spacebook anyone?) but I refuse to overachieve and leave the rest of my peers behind. We need to all learn how to act the part if we are going to be out of school, underemployed, and fed up with society (or what "the man" defines society as).

This brings me to your first step as a new college dropout:


Please note that I did not use the words "grow" in my first lesson. When I think of "growing" I think of a plant, something that involves careful attention to detail and a sense of care and nourishment. Throw that garbage out the window, pick up all four seasons of LOST (or 24 if you prefer bad television), and order enough pork fried rice to last you two weeks. If you come out sporting a sick Jack beard (Sheppard or Bauer will do) and a new found respect for conspiracy theories and electromagnetic anomalies then you are in good shape.

"Yo dude whats up?"

"I can't remember my ISIS password and I need to register for classes tomorrow…"

"Well did you call the help desk?"

"It's closed….."

I should also point out that a well groomed beard also constitutes some level of responsibility and hygiene. As a new college dropout this is exactly the opposite of what is expected and should be avoided at all costs. Try to only shave on special occasions (season premiers of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia for example) and make sure to use an old used razor when doing so. If you live with your mom, which you should, there should be about 10 or 20 of these laying around your shower. Try to find the most generic double blade you can and peel off the dry "moisturizing" strip from the top if it hasn't fallen off already. We want the rusty blade to act less like a lawnmower and more like a latino landscaper haphazardly pulling facial hair from your flesh. When the bleeding slows down you should be left with a rough facial texture that could sand balsa wood and gives the appearance that you could care less about E.E. Cummings and more about what you are going to trap for dinner (Squirrel nuggets again? C'mon!) Remember: you can't spell BEARD without BEAR and NO ONE fucks with a bear. Except Rocky…

Sprouting a decent beard will be the first step in networking with other dropouts like yourself so make sure to put forth your best foot forward and approach this challenge willingly. With no classes to consume all your precious time you will find the underground world of beards to be a great way to meet new (homeless) people.

Famous Beards:

Abe Lincoln


Al Borland



This Guy

There are also many benefits that come hand in hand with the arrival of a new beard:
-Ability to tie a square knot
-You could braid it like Scott Ian from Anthrax
-Learn magic (Merlin)
-Santa gigs during the holidays (white beards only)
-Beard Fights
-Superhuman Strength

Beards..the gift that keeps on giving..