Everyone knows March for the popular stuffSt. Patrick's Day, American Red Cross Month, Women's History Month
but what about all of the non-drinking, anti-community service, misogynistic intellectuals out there, waiting for the time when their sciences are celebrated? Why should no one know that March is also Fire Prevention Month? or Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month? More people will die from fires or colorectal cancer than will die from being a woman. Well, wait no more for justice and equalityevery nerd should have his day, and March happens to be full of them.
March 2: National Reading Day
The #1 National Education Association supported book-focused holiday is coming! Sponsored by "Read Across America," it encourages reading of all sorts across the country after all, it doesn't matter what a child is reading, as long as he is reading, right?* The U.S. is so for reading, it's not even funny. Take that, poor and illiterate countries!
*This excludes, of course, books such as Huckleberry Finn, To Kill A Mockingbird, Harry Potter, and other pro-evil books currently in publication.
March 3: World Math Day
World Math Day is tragically under-represented in calendars nowadays. The printing industry apparently is part of a massive conspiracy of people who want to keep the general population from knowing about the day of this international mathematics competition.* Clearly, print companies are comprised entirely of people who failed Algebra and who want to focus more on getting smashed on March 17th.
*Even if you somehow cannot find your way to one of these competitions, it's important to show support in your own way. Just spend the day doing math. You know you want to.
March 13: Pluto Planet Day
Pluto Planet Day is shamefully limited to New Mexico, but hopefully, heightened awareness can expand Pluto Planet Day across the country. So, Pluto isn't a planet? Screw you, science experts! The New Mexico House of Representatives says that it's a planet anyway. Spread the word. Pluto. Is. A. Planet. It's just being discriminated against for its size.
March 14: Pi Day
Oh, hell yeah. Pi Day, for all misfortunate enough to somehow not know, celebrates that glorious neverending number known as pi (3.14159265etc). It may seem as though it's useless in everyday life, but it so isn't. And if you don't know it's usage, then I'm not going to tell you. For the hardcore pi fans, pay your respects by staying home and pi to the billionth decimal. For the more casual fans, eat an entire pie in a public place and lecture all of those who stare at you about the merits of pi.
March 15: Ides of March
The Ides of March commemorates that black day in history when the great and completely un-flawed Julius Caesar was assassinated in 44BC, betrayed by those he trusted most. In honor of this great man, spend the day running background checks on your closest friends and evaluating their individual potentials for literal backstabbing. It could come in seriously handy someday. Oh, Julius. May you rest in peace.
March 22: World Water Day
What day could be more important? The UN and its member nations on this day promote awareness about the world's water resources. Unfortunately, they suck at this, because no one knows about this sacred holiday. Because of its serious lack of focus in mainstream media, promote it by conserving water and not showering for the week previous and refraining from consuming all water products. Could it really be that hard? Fainting spells and putrid odors are certain to pique interest.
St. Patrick's Day? There are 364 other opportunities to drink during the day.
Women's History? Whatever.
World Water and Math Days? Where have you been all my life?