1) Rush
The rush job made its first appearance when your mom screamed your name to come down for dinner. You're not in this one for the romance of it all. No, this is more like the equivalent of a one night stand in a bathroom stall, but with your hand. It's quick, it's dirty and you're slightly ashamed of the type of person you are afterwards.

When to best use it: Mom went out to get milk / Roommate's in shower / You're in shower

2) Accidental
You're having a casual conversation with your friend and BOOM you're touching yourself. Or maybe you're in a meeting with your advisor and WHAMMY, you're doing your patented counter-clockwise head rub rotation. It's not so much an accident as it is a routine that's you've become accustomed to. It's just what you do when you zone out from time to time. I hate to say it, but you should probably stop. It's called indecent exposure and Pee-Wee was arrested for it.

Fun Fact: Accidental masturbation occurs 95% more when wearing sweatpants.

3) Relax
You've got 3 papers and 2 exams tomorrow and life just ain't feeling so great because you know you're about to pull an all-nighter. Stress levels are at a maximum and you really need to let loose. Sure, you could try drugs, but let's be honest, that's not really in your budget. So unless you want to start doing yoga like a man who's comfortable with his sexuality, this is the next best relaxation technique for you.

When to Best Use It: Before an oral presentation / Mid-study break / After taking out a student loan

4) The Short-List
You're scrolling through late-night TV and you pass something slightly erotic – let's say a new workout routine. But wait, this is TV and surely there's something else on, so you hold out. But let's not get greedy. We'll add that channel to the short-list and see if something better is on. And who knows, maybe you find an old "Charlie's Angels" episode you can add to the list.

FYI: If you have a button on your remote that quickly returns to the last channel you were on, you can quickly use this to switch back and forth between the short-list.

5) Crappy Internet
There's no worse feeling than waiting for a porn to load on your computer with a slow Internet connection. You watch 5 second and then it has to continue loading or rebuffer. It's like masturbating to a picture in a magazine – it's just stupid. Most likely this situation will end in a orgasm of frustration and anger. That's why it's smart to always have a backup plan. Remember, hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

How to Best Remedy: Invest in an external harddrive to save some backup porn in case of emergency

6) Bored
Nothing's on TV and you can safely say you've seen the entire Internet. No one's doing anything because all your friends are lame and to be honest, leaving you with just your thoughts is a bad combination. That is unless your thoughts are of that cute dark haired girl in your class from earlier today. So rather than absently twiddle your thumbs Indian style on your bed, why not twiddle your happiest thumb Indian style on your bed.

When to Best Use It: Waiting to switch laundry from washer to dryer / Tuesday / Right now

7) Drunk
Just because you didn't bring a girl home from that party or bar doesn't mean your night has to end with pitiful puking. That is unless you want to puke out your dick hole. The drunk masturbatory session tends to be a bit sloppy, but that's mainly because you're using a warm Natty Ice as lubricant. Chances are it'll be as sloppy as drunk sex but infinitely less rewarding. Let's hope for your sake you pass out before you finish.

Fun Fact: Underage drinking is illegal, but there's no such thing as underage masturbating! Yet.

8) Power Through

You're a couple minutes into the routine and you just realized you're actually not in the mood to masturbate. Could be because of situation 10 or even number 5, but either way you need to buck up and finish the job – the personal hand job that is. You may think it's pathetic to keep going when you don't want to, but imagine how much more pathetic it is to just stop and pull up your pants. Premature ejaculation is less embarrassing.

Equate it to: Realizing the girl you just brought back to your place isn't actually as hot as she looked at the party, but sometimes you just gotta buck up and fuck (up).

9) Planned
The candles are lit. The curtains are drawn. Your sack is freshly shorn and you've got your most expensive economy-size bottle of Astroglide out. If you were taking your dick out on a date, and to be fair you kind of are, he'd be pretty impressed with the atmosphere you've created. You've got multiple tabs open in your browser with your favorite porn videos – all 100% loaded because that's how fucking classy of a date you are. Guess what guy? You're getting lucky tonight.

Fun Fact: You''ll never love a woman as much as you love your penis.

10) Post-Tragedy
You just buried your great aunt, like, 45 minutes ago. Her corpse is practically still warm, but so are your nether regions. Of course, you could be considerate and wait until later in the week to get back in the routine, but what's the point? What's the point of anything we're all going to die anyway. Oh no, oh god no. Her death affected you more than you thought it would. Now there's just this pit in your stomach. Hey, you know what makes you feel better. She can't see you right now can she? Oh God, I hope she can't see you — defiling yourself, LOL. Boy, it feels good to laugh again. And cum.

Comforting Thought: When the elderly die they can see every time you masturbate. Good thing Great Aunt Susie had cataracts!