With the popularity of the Twilight series depressing everyone with good taste, I have decided to cater to all the nerds who hate that shit and like HP a whole lot better. Not to mention, JK's busy with being sued or something, so I figured I could get away with this. Written before and now revised, picking up the story at the beginning of the 7th book, I give you The Super Confidential Diary of Harry Potter.


Everyone wants to know what's going on inside the Boy Who Lived's head.


Day One - 9:41 AM

Dumbledore died.

About time. How old was he?

9:44 AM

Hahaha.

Hermione just said "he was young in spirit" and then gave me this bitchy look.

She's just pissed because she doesn't know something for once. Or she's on her period. Or both. Let's just hope she doesn't try to flush her 'sanitary napkins' again. Let me just say – worst day of my life.

12:00 PM

Hagrid just knocked an old woman over and when he tried to help her up he inadvertently got into a handbag fight.

I didn't know he carried one, but I guess Hagrid is just full of surprises these days.

Ron thinks Hagrid had a crush on Dumbledore.

12:02 PM

That couldn't be true, could it?

Day Two – 5:15 PM

Instead of helping de-gnome the Weasley’s garden, I fell asleep in the grass and had a dream about Ginny playing Quidditch naked—except her boobs were Quaffles. She couldn’t stay up on the broom for very long on account of the weight and she crashed into a tree.

Woke up with tears in my eyes.

LOLOL not really though. Woke up with a boner actually.

7:07 PM

Mrs. Weasley keeps force feeding me things. She doesn't understand the words "I'm full, thank you" or "Please don't stick your spoon there; it's uncomfortable."

Mr. Weasley blamed said spoon-sticking on the fact that the wedding's tomorrow. Ron reckons that it'll be full of horny broads turned on by the idea of marriage. But you know, after the Horcrux thing I feel like I've been splashed by the boiling water of love. And it left really ugly red marks on my arms that I’m just not too happy about. Also, it hurts.

So I think I'll just have a few pieces of the cake and call it a day.

8:34 PM

Do girls think it's attractive when they wear huge pajamas? Less is more, ladies.

8:35 PM

Except in Mrs. Weasley's case.

11:00 PM

Everyone's in bed “resting up.” Pretty positive Fleur and Bill are getting married tomorrow, not the entire Weasley family, SO GET UP.

How boring. I think I'll grab something to eat.

11:05 PM

Mr. Weasley was in the kitchen playing with matchbox cars. But that's not the worst of it; he's making voices and coming up with these intense plot lines and twists.  I think like two of the little matchbox cars are on a date; the flashy convertible is really in love with the average-everyday sedan, but she’s supposed to be meeting the pick-up truck for coffee!!!!!!

I lost my appetite, but gained an appreciation for Mr. Weasley’s acting abilities.

Day Three - 7:00 AM

Up bright and early for the big day. What an American phrase. You all just need to stop talking. And eating.

7:03 AM

I was just kidding, though. You guys aren't all morbidly obese, you're just a little chubs.

But super cute, really.

7:04 AM

You all better keep buying my books even though I insulted you. It's called tuff love.

7:15 AM

All the women in the Weasley family refused to eat this morning so they could fit into their dresses. I politely addressed the situation.

Well what I really said was, "Can I have your food then, you anorexic bitches?"

I got SO MANY PANCAKES.

8:58 AM

The Weasleys said they were having the wedding in the yard because it was comforting and traditional. But what they really meant was that they couldn't afford a real wedding.

That's okay though because Mrs. Weasley said she went all out on the cake.

Oh I bet she did. Fatass.

9:46 AM

Ginny just asked me what I was writing in here and I told her it was my resume. How stupid is that? But she believed me.

Well, Miss Weasley, maybe I'll write about how hot you look in your dress.

I guess that's not a maybe, since I just did.

So there.

9:55 AM

Everyone keeps talking about this wedding, but no one feels the need to START IT ALREADY.

10:30 AM

Everyone's sitting in these uncomfortable folding chairs now. Just sitting. I guess it's better than standing.

10:35 AM

Wish I could stand right about now.

Oh God. Hermione's hair looks so bad. She tried to straighten it but it just looks like she fried it completely. Guess I’ll have to pretend I don’t know her.

Ron doesn't care about that cause he doesn't look at her face when he talks to her anyway.

Haha bitch tripped. Someone doesn’t know how to walk in high heels. I could do it better than her, I’m not afraid to admit it.

10:45 AM

Ginny and Gabrielle and Bill and the priest and Charlie are all chillin up at the altar. We're all ready to go, but we're waiting on Fleur. Typical.

Oh, wait, here she comes.

Good lord, she's dramatic with the flower girl and the dress and everything. Fleur, you're not that big of a deal.

10:50 AM

It probably definitely would have been more interesting if she walked down the aisle naked.

10:51 AM

The priest keeps talking and talking and talking so I decided to actually write my resume.

My Resume

Name: Harry Potter

Occupation: King of Kewl

Marital Status: Big Pimpin

Extracurriculars:

-Handsome Quidditch Captain

-"Dumbledore's Man Through and Through"

-Being an orphan

Yeah, I think that's how they're done.

11:13 AM

God, could this go any slower?

11:29 AM

Apparently it can.

11:40 AM

The priest just asked if anyone objected to their marriage. What a stupid question. Don't you think they'd have said something before now?

11:41 AM

I should stand up and confess my undying love for Bill. That would cause a scene. No one would believe though because Bill is ugly now.

And because everyone knows I'm not gay.

11:45 AM

Does everyone know I'm not gay?

I don't want this on my conscience. Maybe I should wear a sign or a t-shirt, something like “You Can Call Me PUSSYcat, Meeeow ;)” or “Vaginas are My Dick’s Best Friend but I Fuck Them Too” or the more direct, “Almost Got Ginny Weasley Pregnant!”

That would probably do it.

11:48 AM

FINALLY they're making out and it's over. I'm starving. Love and the very likely possibility of divorce ignite my sweet tooth.

11:57 AM

Found the cake. It's really big with those plastic figurines and everything. Nice job, Mama Weasley.

12:00 PM

I love magic. The plastic Fleur now has the face of a swamp rat, just standing there in a dress. It's hilarious if I say so myself.

Which I did. So you know it's pretty goddamn funny.

12:06 PM

Mr. Weasley didn't think so. He gave me a stern talking to about behavior on his son's wedding day.

So I told him how upset I am about Dumbledore and how I'm really anxious about the Horcruxes and I've just been acting out of character lately. He just patted my back and nodded solemnly.

How awesome is that?

I can just be like "I'm Harry Potter, feel bad for me" and people do.

And if that doesn't work, I could just flash my resume and everyone would be astounded by how talented, hard working, and good looking I am.

12:08 PM

Ginny just bent over and I could see up her dress.

Dumbledore who?

12:15 PM

Professor Trelawney is wandering around awkwardly because she doesn't really belong here. But of course she found me somehow. And then she started saying something about danger and Voldemort so I left mid sentence.

I have nothing to worry about anyway. After all, the Dark Lord's my bitch.

1:00 PM

I took my own little slice of wedding cake before anyone else. That's probably rude or something, but I'm Harry Potter and I do what I want.

1:05 PM

Some little boy just came up to me, scandalized, and asked, "What are you doing?"

And I was like, "Eating."

And he said, "Oh."

So I said, "Damn right."

He looked pretty satisfied. Probably dumbstruck from talking to me. I have that effect on people.

1:21 PM

Ginny was looking pretty fine while she was sippin on her drank at her table, so I sat down next to her, winked, and said, "I'm Harry Potter, you know."

But she ignored me. Someone needs to clean out her ears. I shouted, "I'M HARRY POTTER, YOU KNOW."

And she looked really annoyed and replied, "So?"

Touché.

Forgot I should probably have a follow up for that excellent pick-up line.

3:00 PM

It's three and I still haven't gotten any action yet. I bet Sirius would have like three girls on his arm by now.

Speaking of, where is he?

3:01 PM

Oh right, he's dead.

3: 03 PM

Dude, this party’s dead. As are half the people who were invited and didn’t show up. Cause they’re dead.

3:03 and 30 seconds PM

BA-ZING

3:12 PM

I walked up to Ginny again.

"Have you ever wondered what it would be like to make out with a God? Now's your chance, gorgeous."

3:13 PM

She's playing hard to get.

So now it's time to put the balls to the wall and think of some way to seduce Ginny and get some action tonight. Because we all know that everyone else is getting some.

I am Harry Potter, damnit, and I won't be able to sleep soundly tonight (JK I never have problems sleeping) if I haven't plowed someone.

Cheers.