Spring Break rushes towards us like a drunken uncle at a family reunion—slowly, clumsily, but with every intention of talking about your sex life. Fortunately for us, everything we have ever heard is actually true! Spring Break 2010! Let's puke!!!

Personally, I could not be more stoked to finally get to go on college Spring Break. I've seen MTV's Spring Break Addition. I know what it is supposed to be like. Someone gives me two thousand dollars and a spray tan, then me and my best bros fly to Florida. When we land, someone gives us our ration cards guaranteeing a fifth of Grey Goose per quarter-day. Then a beautiful off-duty bartender whispers into my ear two magical phrases: the first we say to get five bikini-clad, std-free women to want to play volleyball and the second we need only to think to get them to back in our complementary hotel suite doing their best Girls Gone Wild impressions. College!

Spring Break is next week, and, despite my incessant pokes, messages, and tagged notes, Carson Daly has yet to send me my two grand. I'm pissed. I mean, I'm not asking for any special treatment. I just want what every other guy is getting: a crazy alcohol driven freak fest. Don't worry about the rations, Carson! I can make due on a fifth a day!

I wonder if the girls have already sent in their binding contracts committing them to hooking up with at least 10 less attractive guys? I have been denying chicks like crazy because I know for a fact that Spring Break is such a sure thing. All these girls at school are like, "Date me, please, date me!- but I'm like, "Naw girl, Daddy's got an important Halo 3 match to prep for."


Spring Break: Florida, prepare for teaB4GG3Rpoop111 to storm your beaches!

More than anything, it is going to be SICK to meet the friends I get assisgned for the week. I can't wait to see who I get paired with. I wonder if they're going to tell me in advance who my top dawgs are going to be, like roommate decisions. Dudes out there, if you're reading this, pray that MTV randomly pairs us together to be best friends for the week because they don't call me Dickweed for nothin'!!!

All that is left is the big question: did they or did they not receive my description of my perfect woman? If they don't have the girl who I inevitably create a deeper bond with and continue our relationship after the truly epic Spring Break, I WILL FLIP. I've seen the specials. I know what I am entitled to. If she hasn't read "Dune,- "Dune Messiah,- and "Children of Dune- than you have failed, Spring Break. You have failed.

But I'm not worried. Spring Break is as true a tradition as graduation night1, summer after a first year of college2, and my best friend's wedding3. Worst comes to worst, I can make some money off of the scumbags who cheated me out of Spring Break. If I don't get my tickets, spray tan, girls, etc., I'll sue! I know my rights. I, as a young, male College student, am entitled to everything I've ever heard about Spring Break. It's in the Constitution somewhere.

Spring Break 2010: Florida! Because it is all true!

1 Source: "American Pie-

2 Source: "American Pie 2-

3 Source: "American Wedding-