Now I am by no means a socialist, I don’t even pronounce the first “A” in America. Yet when I heard that Pandora was limiting its users’ “free listening hours” I couldn't help but feel like   I knew then that our people needed a hero, a hero they deserve to need, but not the hero they want to deserve needing, or however that Dark Knight bullshit went. Anyways, fratstars and starlets, allow me to present to you-

Living in the Golden Age of Consumer-Ass Fucking,  we have all become used to the fact that most companies hate their customers. Downloading free versions of anything these days is like inviting a bunch of homeless people into your house. All they do is sit around and bitch for money and take up space, and they'll most likely mess something nice up before they love. Even Wikipedia is crying for donations like a drunken ex-girlfriend cries for something other than a one word text-message answer. Good for all of us there is, a free website where users can stream a variety of frequently updated play lists designed to “Keep the Party Crackin’.” is basically a musical Wal-Mart but better, because it’s free and there aren’t any old people at the entrance eating stickers and sugar cookies or whatever. This website contains a playlist for any situation a Greek individual may find themselves in. Want to end up working for your dad? Just skip class, throw on the mellow “Broin Out” mix and let the Super Smash begin.  Feel like tearing your rotator cuff? Just grab some cheap vodka, hit up the “House” playlist, and get ready for a morning chocked full of people telling you what to say to Ethics Board. You can even submit your own house’s playlist to the website and have it voted upon by other users. is like a jack knife- a jack knife that cuts chicks out of their clothes. The following are just a couple situations where can come in handy:

  • The Life Line: You followed your friend to a house party. It’s his friend birthday, the one that he met freshmen year in the dorm. The music fucking sucks and when you walked in some albino chick who definitely listens to Evanescence mentions that you look like you’re out of a Polo magazine. Normally you would’ve taken this as a complement, but seeing as its coming from a walking Marilyn Manson blow-up doll you shake your head and decide to find some beverages to numb your aggravation. You get to the keg and some fat fuck wearing a flannel shirt solicits you for five dollars for a cup. Here you proceed to refer him as “Flannel Fred” for the rest of the night, tooling on his weak ass until onlookers join in and pressure him into giving you a cup for free. Then you tell your newfound friends that they deserve to eat rub marbles for playing a Flaming Lips album at a party and show them this sick new website with awesome music. You also steal a lot of shit before leaving.
  • The Defribrillator: So your girlfriend forces you to go to her friend’s party/baby shower/confirmation/lame social event without an open bar. As you expected everyone is just sitting around looking at stuff and smiling. Weak. Luckily, you came prepared. You quickly find the house sound system and whip out your laptop and auxiliary cable. Immediately, you hit up the "Top 25" playlist and go dumb on some “Blah Blah Blah.” Sure, you'd usually rather be circumsized north-to-south than listen to that shit but chicks love slutty music and Ke$ha is responsible for getting more men laid than the Purple Heart Medal. Soon all the sluts at the party are clam-jousting* and pounding cooking because the host ran out of Bud Select 55. Your wife is super pissed. Whatever.

There you have it. While Pandora might have decided to beg for change on the corner of Shame and Bankruptcy with Wikipedia and the rest of homeless internet bums, we can still place our faith in for now.  Hopefully we will never be forced to see it taking turns swilling from a plastic flask of Dark Eyes with Charles Barkley under a bridge downtown.

*Clam-jousting= Also known as “scissoring”