And so it was that Zombie Moses came down from the mountains and preached the words of the Zombie god


1. Thou shalt only eat the flesh of humans
Now if your vegetarian then this ones going to be a tad difficult, because all good zombies know that after a long hard day zombieing nothing takes the edge off like human flesh. If you are in this predicament you might want to grow a pair, because straight up, zombies just don't eat grass; that's not our thing.

2. Thou shalt al
ways eat the black guy first

Unlike humans, us zombies aren't quite so partial to veal or such like. You have got to love the dark meat. [Please be aware the zombie Moses was a massive racist and may have altered the rules slightly from what the zombie God initially had planned.]

3. Thou shalt never have sex

You should be concentrating on more important things like eating.  Plus lets face it a blow job could backfire massively!  It's just wrong, I mean try picturing it. Not a pretty sight is it, so just don't, OK?

4. Thou shalt not eat the hot girls
They are beautiful; please respect that and though you can tease them they are not allowed for eating; something about them having small brains – the best bit of course – nothing to do with their hotness, nothing to do with their awesome boobs… so although you probably want to eat their sweet sweet flesh, if they're above a 7 then it's just not allowed. Besides, they're needed in the romantic, possibly even sex, scene and that's the best time to jump out and eat the dude. Give the girl a fright while you're at it though, that's hot.

5. Thou shalt have no regard for personal hygiene
Why bother? Your chances of getting laid are already zero [see rule 3]. Blood is the new black and lets face it none of you were that hygienic before you became zombies. Why waste time wiping that stringy leg muscle from your chin when you could just carry on eating?

6. Thou shalt not eat thy fellow zombies

As tasty as they may look they don't agree with your stomach, something to do with the mutilated organs or something, plus remember rule 5 not tasty.  Humans however go down great, and you know what makes them go down even better?  More human.

7. Thou shalt walk slowly
This is perhaps the most important.  You may have seen your brethren in modern depiction breaking this rule and running as fast as Ben Johnson would be on steroids!  Oh wait never mind. Running is bad and you'll pull a muscle or look stupid so it's best avoided. Furthermore, it wastes vital energy that's needed in the stomach for digesting that tasty human flesh. 

8. Thou shalt always act supertarded

Yes that's right we made up a new word to show how retarded your going to have to be. Just because you go around eating brains all day doesn't mean your smart. We're talking continually walking in to walls here, we're talking lack of hand-eye coordination, and definitely no use of modern weapons, or development of any sort of planning and tactics. So basicly just act like you did as a human.

9. Thou shalt travel in groups too large to be logically sustainable

They say 3's a crowd, but that's just because they have no friends. In fact, it takes at least 20 of us together to have fun. Yes, yes, it does mean that you would have to kill a human once every 6 minutes to stay alive, but then that would be clever, and we can't have that [See rule 8, in case you forgot it already].

10. Thou shalt always kill
In these hard modern times killing is the way to distinguish yourself from the rest and to make an impression.  Who wants a zombie that doesn't properly mash up and devour there victim? No-one, that's who!
Here is our anthem on YouTube

This is the first of our extracts from the Zombie Bible.
Next time we find out about the emaculate conception of Zombie Jesus.  (The Only zombie recognised by any mainstream religion! Well he rose from the dead didn't he!)

The 'brains' behind this article was BestQuitt industries.