Hey Internet, it’s me, Lev Novak: certified ladies man. This is apparently different than being a “Certified Lady-Man”, if the responses to my Craigslist ad are any indication. And internet, I have come to give you some girl advice.

Now, some of you might be asking “Lev, why are you giving us girl advice? We’re doing great with girls!” But then you will collapse, sobbing, because you are so, so lonely.

But other people will still be suspicious of my credentials. And some of you may even be girls yourselves!

Hahaha, no you aren’t. Because this is the internet.

Well, maybe I’m being unfair. Maybe you yourself are a real, human girl. If so, congratulations. You will be sexually propositioned in the comments below.

May I suggest you show us your tits?

But as an expert who has literally met several girls over the years I am uniquely positioned to help you guys out. Besides, helping the less fortunate with their girl troubles is just my way of giving back the to the community. To be specific, it’s part of my community service arrangement with the lower Brooklyn court, so if anyone asks, this is feeding orphans or something, okay? Awesome.

Now, the first thing you guys need to know: a girl is like a book; long, boring and made of paper. Plus, both are kind of outdated thanks to the internet. But girls are also like books in the sense that you can read them. Just watch carefully and you can figure out what they’re thinking. Let me save you some time though; it’s always “who’s that creep watching with the telescope?”

Of course, if you don’t like reading girls, you can go for strippers. Strippers  on the other hand are like Michael Bay movies; artificial, dumb, and Shia Labeouf has been in half of them.

Here’s a tip; don’t be nervous around girls. Girls are apparently much, much more scared of you than you are of them. Like way more. Screaming, even. This is related to my next tip, which is girls don’t like surprises nearly as much as you always hear.

Another key is confidence. Having confidence is very important. For example, some people might tell you that you should just give up. Like, they might say that a girl is out of your league by a legally mandated 500 feet. Don’t listen to them! Believe in your self.

Another thing is that is that having “protection” on is very important. It should be classy, but tazer proof. The second part is very important.

Sexual tension is another topic many guys get confused about. Let me explain; maybe you go over to see her. She might say something like: “how did you get past the guards?” or “This isn’t 500 feet”. Passion starts flying, along with certain lamps. Smoldering looks create a hot atmosphere and burning sheets and houses tend to follow.

Another thing girls like are “bad boys”. This is where your arson record will come in handy.

Well, that’s all the advice I have for today; I have to go have lots of sex now, with a real girl and everything. But folks, as I leave you, just remember this; you can’t fail if you treat girls like I treat my meetings; alcoholics and anonymous.

Best of luck, fellow players.

-Lev Novak

*Lev Novak is not a certified ladies man. Nor, despite his shirt, is he a certified bikini inspector. Nor is he a certified Funk-lord. Please ignore his certificates.