Dorkly is a new weekly column dedicated to video game comedy.

Mario: Is there a problem, officer?

Cop: Quite a few, actually. First off, you're speeding.

Mario: I'm trying to win a race.

Illegal street racing on the wrong side of the highway?

Well when you put it like that…

Cop: And littering. That banana peel you threw back there caused an accident.

Yeah, about the banana. Wario was all up in my sh*t so I had to send him packing.

Cop: I'll also have to write you up for endangering a child.

Oh, because I've got Baby Luigi with me? He's fine. Not a bad racer himself.

Cop: You…you let the baby drive for you?

Mario: It's not a big deal. If he careens off a cliff, that flying turtle guy will pull us out with his fishing pole.

…Did you take any drugs before you started driving today, sir?

No, but I picked up some mushrooms while I was driving today.

Sir, step out of the car.

Mario: Listen, officer. Maybe we can work something out. How about a hundred gold coins?

Cop: I'm not taking bribes! And where the hell did you get so much gold!?

Mario: I punched a bunch of bricks.

Cop: Step. Out. Of. The. Car.

Mario: Fine. But not finishing this race is going to kill my chances at the Star Cup. You're practically handing it to Donkey Kong.

Cop: …Donkey Kong?

Mario: He's a gorilla.

Cop: You were racing a gorilla?

And various dinosaur mutants. Also, more babies.