Sidenote: The following is from the perspective of a single dude who's never lived with any ladyfolk other than his Mother. Just thought I'd let you know.

1.) Farts. Yes, everybody does it — but girls really shouldn’t. She’ll let out a little toot, thinking it’s cute. It will smell like pungent hate. TIP: Nip this in the bud before she makes a habit of it by throwing up on her face the first very time she farts.

2.) Shaving. You’ll realize that female maintenance ain’t so simple. Girls grow more hair than you think. Every time your lady shaves her cooter, it will look like Chewbacca had chemotherapy in your bathtub. TIP: Realize that Wookies can’t get cancer and I’m exaggerating the actual amount of hair she has. (Unless you're Monique's husband. Have you seen her hairy legs? Great Googly Moogly!)

3.) Arguments. They will happen early and often in the co-habitation process so be forewarned. Whether it’s because you drank the last of the milk or you came home smelling like stripper boobies, she’ll find something to be angry about. You won’t win and have no chance so surrender before escalation. TIP: In the event that surrendering doesn’t work and she continues being malicious, buy a Kit Kat Bar, throw it in her face and tell her to give you a goddamn break.

4.) Television. No more ESPN for you, bucko. Instead of keeping up with your beloved sports teams, you’ll find yourself Keeping Up With The Kardashians. TIP: Stop being a beeyotch, take that remote from her and tell her to get her Lifetime Movie Network fix elsewhere.

5.) Future. She’ll spend hours involving you in a discussion about the hypothetical future that you two will share. In this theoretical future, you own a house and she’ll talk about what color theme you should have in the bathroom of that house. Be prepared to make the difficult decision between a relaxing pewter or a pleasant custard. TIP: Tell her you’d prefer the “Who Gives a Shit Brown”

6.) Sexless. Be prepared to have very little sex after the first few months. All the fights will leave you two very aggravated with each other. You may as well join the US Olympic Swim Team because you’ll only be getting your penis wet about once every four years. TIP: Make the most of the times you do have sex. Be creative. Ask her if she wants the breaking news. If she says “yes”, say “this just in” and insert simultaneously. If she says no, be like Ben Roethlisberger and do it anyway. Another creative thing would be to pour a large order of French fries on your junk, then demand a BJ. This is called Mrs. Potato Head. 



7.) More arguments. Seriously, you will spend a good portion of your co-habitation experience squabbling. Do your best to deny her access to Beyonce’s music. All it takes is some strong feminist lyrics to sway her into making irrational decisions. Before going to work you argue about who drank
the last of the juice. But, when you come home you’ll find everything you own piled sloppily in a box to the left. TIP: Write a letter to Jay-Z requesting that he keep his ho on a leash.

Warning:
Actual use of TIPS may result in even less vagina than you're already recieving.