Dear Professor,

While I understand that we have a (essay/research project/thesis)  due (next Friday/this Friday/tomorrow/in 30 minutes), I have developed an awful case of (swine flu/mononucleosis/ebola/attacked by wolves). I have gone to see a doctor at the school infirmary, and he has recommended that I spend some time (as an inpatient/resting at home/bleeding out of every orifice/not around wolves).

Because one of the symptoms of my sickness is (intense fatigue/horrible rash/allergy to school work/wolves), I don’t think I will be able to concentrate well enough to finish this assignment on time. Thus, I would like to ask for an extension until (the following Monday/two weeks from now/when the pack moves on to other hunting grounds), as that would allow me to turn in (more academically sound/better prepared/better edited/less covered-in-blood-and-fur) material. If that is not possible, is there any kind of extra credit that I could (write/massage/lick/suck) in order to make up for the lost points?

I really appreciate your (consideration/sympathy/saving me from these wolves) in this matter, and hope to see you when I (feel better/recover/recuperate/leave the Yukon).

(Sincerely/Yours truly/Love/FUCKING HELP ME),

(name/AAAAAARRRRRGGGHH)