Everybody loves meaningless bookmarks in time. Why? Because when there is some form of life augmentation that needs to occur people tend to procrastinate. However, procrastination typically instills guilt within the procrastinator. Thusly some good old fashion lying to thyself must happen. To rationalize procrastination one might say something like “I’ll stop smoking in the new year” or “I’m waiting for bikini season to start my diet.” Spring break is no different than these other bookmarks with which people, specifically college students, will make a resolution. It’s rite before the start of a new quarter for the quarter system kids, and half way through the semester for the semester system kids: perfect. With these things being said, I took it upon myself to compile this awesome list of 10 spring break resolutions that will be made, however so timelessly un-kept:

1. Actually lose weight. You look at yourself and realize that you do not look like Justin Beiber. You are not a cute pre-pubescent 14 year old, nor do you have a stylish haircut. Most importantly, though, Usher is not your best friend. Without one of the three things listed above- your only hope of getting girls is actually losing the weight you put on from the holidays and countless nights of guzzling keystone light. You blame not losing the weight last term on the stress of your Art 101 class. Not to mention how your roommates practically force feed you hot pockets. I mean they are just SITTING in the freezer!


2. Quit smoking weed. It’s time to start taking school seriously. Mom and dad are threatening to take the car away. Worst of all they are thinking about cutting your $1000.00 monthly allowance (not including rent). So instead of going in for tutoring, or actually studying- you feel it’s easier to just cut out the greenery. This may not be such a bad idea- As it turns out smoking before writing a paper doesn’t make you write like a modern day Edger Allen Poe. The paper you turned in for Poli-sci was two pages too short- and no, Seinfeld is not a valid reference. Also the lack of munchie inspired T-bell runs may help with resolution #1.


3. Stop facebook stalking. You know it’s weird when you are introduced to that fox from your accounting class and you already know her name due to some intensive photo album stalking. She looked gooood on Halloween 2008 as well as 2009. However, she thinks it’s weird that you mouthed her name as she was saying it- and proceeded to ask her if she was a lesbian because you heard she was in a relationship with her friend Angela Ruder. You were relived to hear that her relationship with Angela is only as serious as a sarcastic relationship status. You were sad to see her tell you she was going to the bathroom and actually go talk to someone else.


4. Stop cussing. Your mother almost cried when you walked in her home after 2 terms of college talking more coarse language than a sailor. Your use of the f-bomb has become impeccable in such a way that it baffles even the most esteemed English professors when you create a sentence using it as a: noun, pronoun, verb, adjective, and adverb. Needless to say your mom grounded you. She can’t still do that, can she?


5. Be nice. While smoking weed (after resolutions 1-4 have been made) with your buddies from back home, and making fun of the chubby girl from your high school- you realize that the only reason you’d been making fun of her for so many years was because of your own pathetic dissatisfaction with your own life.