You’re cruising down the highway at 65 MPH to get to your job, your school, or wherever it is you absolutely must guzzle gas to reach. The drive is peaceful, and all cars are matching each others’ speed, creating an organized flow of traffic – then BAM! You find yourself slamming on your breaks to avoid the massive backup of cars near the off-ramp, slowing to a crawl of 15 MPH. Your event starts in 10 minutes. You could have been on time, but this interminable, excruciating delay caused by traffic has ruined your day. As the lanes narrow from four to two, the traffic becomes even slower, and all the delayed drivers begin to grow antsy as their inner speed demons scream in their ears. Far off in the distance, you spy the one car causing the entire backup: a mid-century jalopy driven by a driver so old, his zombie-like existence is only possible through the marvels of modern science.
Despite automobile safety upgrades, the traffic problems in the US have only worsened in the last two decades as more cars filled with increasingly poor drivers clutter the streets. Accident rates are up, as are the average vehicle speeds required by procrastinators who dawdle at home to get to work on time – which is a forgivable practice, since their domestic immobility does not affect others, and their tardiness-fueled speeding helps keep the traffic moving. And yet, in these dire times of needed speedy transportation, some motorists have the gall to drive under the speed limit, ruining countless others’ entire day’s plans with their bad driving. Since most cars are not Chitty-Chitty Bang-Bang, we cannot easily bypass drivers whose trudging vehicular masses block our exodus to our sweet, sweet destination. Luckily, I have developed a new system of road rules and operations that should not only speed up the flow of traffic, but improve our fledgling economy, counter some legislative problems in our government, and provide “green” solutions to our pollution problem.
Instead of using the inefficient, gas-wasting driving methods of “every man for himself” during traffic, motorists of all types of destinations can join together to improve our world. I suggest that a public-access satellite laser be made available for motorist use – when a troublesome car threatens the flow of transportation, drivers within a programmed radius can use a dashboard-mounted voting system to designate their mutual target of hatred. If a majority vote occurs, the satellite laser vaporizes the vehicle hindering traffic, leaving no landfill-bound garbage. This process is clean, efficient, and good for the earth, too.
Although the cause for unforgivably slow driving could, in theory, be anything, I believe that the greatest cause of slow-downs is elderly people. The baby-boomers have stopped booming, and now just fumble along the roadways. If my theory of senior-citizen-deceleration is correct, then this satellite laser system will improve my predicted results exponentially. As we all know, the elderly are like cattle; they smell bad, they move slowly, and they eat a lot of fiber. But most of all, they produce methane lots and lots of methane. If the leading cause of traffic jams is grumpy, gassy geezers, then their elimination by popular vote will lower greenhouse gas emissions two ways. The ozone will fare better with fewer air-polluting cars and elderly people around, and our climate change situation may be mitigated by our controlled carbon emissions. Blow up a few cars, save the earth.
Money talks – and if this system means we can improve our economy, then who wouldn’t want it? In a financially uncertain age when the “Obama” prefix affixes itself to many of our national concerns from “Obamanomics” to “Obamacare” and the government runs rampant with spend-ulus plans, we need to implement any strategy that will save us money. If the roadways were made more efficient, we could all get to our destinations more quickly, and trips to our jobs, schools, and appointments will all be completed punctually. Worker productivity will blossom, and in turn, our economy will boom. On top of that, the automotive industry will rebound as people must buy new cars to replace all the old ones that are getting zapped off the street, like a swarm of mosquitoes to a bug light. Best of all, General Motors will sell its first car since the 2008 election season!
In line with the “green” benefits provided by the elimination of slow, elderly drivers, the lowered senior citizen population will also benefit the economy. With many of the aged and saggy done away with, Medicare costs might go down, leading to a stronger health-care system. This laser array is so refined and nearly perfect, our Death Star service might even be rented out to other countries – it could solve China’s “population problem,” and the Chinese government would be so grateful they would stop putting lead in our toys’ paint.
The annihilation of slow-poke drivers can do nothing but good for this country. In this time of technological advancement, there is no excuse to be slower than digital technology can allow. As the values of true patriotism wane, we need a good 4-of-July-styled reminder of what makes this country so great. And there’s nothing that would scream “America!” louder than a gigantic space-laser frying people, allowing us to drive triumphantly over their ashes in our SUVs and sports cars.