As of March 1 at 1:00 pm Pacific Standard Time the United States national debt is $12,453,232,340,420.11. Yes, that is trillion. We are officially the largest debtor in the history of this planet, and so far no solutions have worked. This includes bank bailouts, tax cuts and stimulus packages. The only logical and efficient way to get rid of our country’s debt is to sell the state of Texas back to Mexico.
That’s correct! It is time to send the Lone Star state packing. If we charge Mexico $12,453,232,340,420.11 for Texas, we’re talking about receiving about $72,000 per acre –which seems like a reasonable price to me.
There are many good reasons to sell Texas. First, Texas has never actually given this country anything or anyone beneficial. All they have given us so far is Matthew McConaughey (Douche-Bag “actor”), Lil’ Flip and Mike Jones (wanna-be rappers), LaDanian Tomlinson (overrated football player), Bonnie & Clyde (infamous bank robbers), David Brooks, Richard Ramierz, Charles "Tex" Watson, Andrea Yates, George W. Bush (all convicted serial killers). Oh sorry the last one was the 43 President – whatever, same thing.
Speaking of “Dubya,” he was the man who caused most of this debt anyway, so his state needs to pay the price. After all, they voted him governor, and eventually this led to his presidency. When he came into office our debt was around $5.7 trillion, and when he left, the debt was at $10.6 trillion. One President single handedly contributed the same amount of money to the national deficit as all of his 42 predecessors did combined.
I know some of you may be thinking that giving up Texas would hurt our economy, but don’t worry, I have solutions for every concern. Right now Texas is the largest domestic supplier of oil and natural gas to our country. Giving up these disgusting, destructive, and harmful fossil fuels will only benefit us in the long run. We all know that the world is going green and moving towards renewable energy, so this just gives the rest of the United States a little incentive to do so. Texas is also the largest supplier of beef to our country and some of us wouldn’t want to lose all that meat. But we all know our country is in an obesity epidemic (mostly Texans anyways), so getting rid of some of our hamburgers will be a healthy step for us Americans.
Oh yeah by the way, I forgot to add that when we sell Texas, we are also going to admit Puerto Rico into the Union as the 50 state in order to keep our flags relevant. Plus 50 is just a nice even number and Puerto Rico is kinda cool. So please make sure to welcome our new countrymen and women accordingly.
Another valid reason to get rid of Texas is that Texans are simply ungrateful and don’t deserve to be in this great Union. First off they call themselves the Republic of Texas and the Lone Star State, which is basically saying they are better than the rest of us and consider themselves their own little country. There is even a political party and underground separatist group known as “The Republic of Texas.” These guys believe the purchase of Texas by the United States in 1845 was illegal and that Texas is still an independent nation under occupation. If they want to secede from our great nation, we’ll let them, but only for a price. If the egotistical Texans want to form their own country they can for a discounted price of only $12 trillion.
We all know that no plan to date will reduce and/or get rid of our national debt. The only rational and plausible proposal is to sell the state of Texas back to our neighbors down south. Clearly Texas has never given us anyone valuable and all of their other economical contributions can be easily replaced. Right now the only thing bigger in Texas is all of their inflated egos. But after our successful transaction with Mexico, all the Texans will have bigger sombreros as well.