I was re-reading my February issue of Cosmo today (I like to re-read the issues several times and memorize all the sex tips) and I came across an article titled The Sex He'll Die For. Basically what it is, is an article on foreplay strategies that will "bring on the bliss." First of all, this article shouldn't have been titled The Sex He'll Die For. It should've been titled, He's So Glad About The Prospect of Getting Ass That He'll Do Whatever Type of Foreplay He Thinks Will Make You Happy if it Means Him Getting Laid. That was probably just too long to fit on the page. What the article goes on to discuss is ways to lengthen the foreplay to intensify your man's orgasm.

So I got to reading it and I realized that these tips that they are giving can be much more simplified. Seriously, guys are not as complex as they describe. The articles goes on for about four pages. That is too long. I will now, in just a mere few sentences, re-write this entire article.

Cosmo's Tip #1: Seduce him with a massage.
Ashley's Tip #1: Touch his penis.

Cosmo's Tip #2: Tease him like crazy through elaborate means ranging from wearing a seductive outfit to licking your lips to winking at him.
Ashley's Tip #2: Tell him you like cardboard boxes. He will somehow interpret this into meaning you want to have sex with him.

Cosmo's Tip #3: Don't neglect his nipples. Start by rubbing them softly, then slowly lick them gently in a circular pattern.
Ashley's Tip #3: Don't let him neglect your nipples. Not only will he get just as turned on doing the same thing to you, but you won't have to do any actual work. Just sit there and enjoy. If there is a television present in the room, might I suggest turning it on and catching the newest Colbert Report while he does his business.

Cosmo's Tip #4: Pay attention to pubic hair.
Ashley's Tip #4: Pay attention to pubic hair. If the sex is so bad that you need to follow this tip, try braiding it. It'll help pass the time. Bonus points for french braids.

Cosmo's Tip #5: Improve on a classic: give him a hand job.
Ashley's Tip #5: Give him a hand. If he can actually get you off. Which so few men have. Oh, sorry, I'm bringing my own personal stuff into this.

Cosmo's Tip #6: Hold the heat—temporarily. If you think he's going to come, pull back.
Ashley's Tip #6: Hold the heat—until YOU think you're going to come. That son of a bitch will not go first because then you know he's going to fall asleep before returning the favor.

And that, my friends, is how you write an article on sex tips.