555 555 1275 (Please don't call after 6pm, I'll probably be drunk already.)
firstname.lastname@example.org (I forgot that I can't use my university email, so here's my account from 9 grade.)
134 Jones Blvd. Unit 16 (Are you are you gonna send me mail? Like MAIL-mail?)
Diploma from High School That Consistently Fails No Child Left Behind Testing
Football team, 2 years (Backup kicker.)
Student council secretary, 1 year (Main duties: needlessly recording meeting notes, bringing pretzel rods, pretending to give a fuck about student council.)
Honor roll student, 4 years (Wasn't difficult to get straight Bs. LOL!)
B.A. In Regrettable Major That Bears No Relevance To The Real World
Minor in Dead Language
Founder of Music Appreciation Society (Smoke weed, listen to Modest Mouse, ironically enjoy nineties rock music videos.)
Administrative Assistant, Office of the Registrar, November 06 – November 07
Duties included: surreptitiously checking Facebook every half hour; instant messaging with friends to complain about how boring this job was; lying about having a Friday morning recitation so I could go into work late after going out Thursday night; filing.
Server, Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles, February 08 – April 08
Duties included: performing customer service; cleaning kitchen equipment; operating cash register; not telling my parents I work at a fast food restaurant
Intern, CoolCityStyle.blogspot.com, May 08 – present
Spending an unreasonable amount of time on Microsoft Excel; drafting weekly blog posts about whatever bullshit my boss suggested; exploring creative new ways to ask for my weekly stipend; filing.
PC and Mac proficient (My dad told me this counts as a “skill,” but he's old so you know.)
Friendly, diligent, prompt, hard-working (Even more so when I score some Adderall.)
Dexterous pianist (I took lessons in elementary school and performed in at D.A.R.E. Assembly.)
Quick learner (Will determine how best to surf the Internet without you finding out during first two weeks.)
- Value honesty as most important virtue in an employee.