Any guy who has had a sister or girlfriend, or a friend who is one of those fags who says he's not gay he's just a romantic, will tell you that all chick flicks starring Meg Ryan or Sandra Bullock or any other actress of their breed are essentially the same. I have developed a foolproof method for escaping two hours of boredom at the hands of Julia Roberts, as well as the more annoying two hours of being compared to Hugh Grant or Tom Cruise or whatever other pretty boy happens to be of particular interest that year. The system is two to three steps depending on your own proficiency, and only applies to girlfriends (unless you're from West Virginia).

STEP 1: Predict the Rest of the Movie

This step is straight forward. You predict as much of the movie as possible. This is achieved through a knowledge of the basic anatomy of a chick flick.

1. First there is a bit of exposition for each of the lead roles. There are really only two options here. The man will either already be Captain F*cking America who is obviously any woman's wet dream. This of course means that it is the woman who is the bumbling buffoon who must see the error of her idiocrasy to mature to a point of worthiness for the Captain. The other option is more or less the reverse. Some hard hearted prick womanizer, or man, must become a pussy in order to apease the slave driving ice-bitch with the rockin bod.

The predictions to be made here are obvious. "I bet that mean guy with the ugly subble becomes gentle and kind (smile) like a real man (stifle vomit)."

2. The Chance Meeting is next. Again two options. Either love at first sight, pure hatred and rage. For example the man is a firefighter and the woman is an arsonist. Thus they hate eachother. Yet your prediction shines through. "I bet that he puts out one of her fires and saves her life, the he tenderly wraps her in a blanket and kisses her." (by the way that movie would be called "The Flame of Love")

3. The Ping Pong occurs for the rest of the "film". This is where the two love birds constantly yo-yo between love and white hot rage. Theres no set number of times this will happen, but you're always safe in assuming that they will end up together so thats the time to predict. "It's ok. I'm sure he'll do the right thing and apologize for f*cking her sister. I would never do that to you (bonus points)"

Now, the nature of you're predictions are important. The goal is to make her feel as though you've "ruined the movie" for her (even though she's already seen it). So retarded predictions like "They'll end up together" are worthless because….well…. no shit Sherlock. The best predictions are based on red flags. Lines like "don't fall in love with me" = she's gonna croak. An opening scene with old people means that they are the lead roles and by the end one or both will have assumed room temperature. Also you should look for confirmation from her and act like there was no other way it could turn out. This will ruin the experience for her and open the door for step two.

STEP 2: The Romantic Moment

Upon completion of step one you may moove to step two. Step two is utilizing a romantic in the movie to make your girl think some stupid shit you do is also romantic. So whe Tom/Gerard/Brad leans in to kiss Julia/Jennifer/Meg in the rain, that's when you give her a squeeze and squirt out some cornball line, "Do you remember that time we kissed in the rain?". The real situation was probably that she was carrying your alcohol soaked self home from the bar, you threw up in a bush, then stumbled into her face…oh and it was drizzling. But what she remembers is exactly whats on the screen. Here you start fooling around, rounding the bases, hiding the salami or whatever. You ask if you can turn of the movie so that you can more fully focus your attention on her. Once she recovers from the shock, you'll be able to turn it off. And voila! Now you're having sex instead of watching some bastardized piece of shit vaguely modeled after real movies like Casablanca.

STEP 3 (as needed): Repeat

Though this step is also found on a shampoo bottle, it is equally valuable to the novice of this system as it is to the moron who can't tell when his hair is clean. As with any good system, this one is repeatable, both within one movie, as well as sperate movies.


This system only lifts your obligation for watching the move right then. If she wants to watch it later you can attempt the system again. However, if she ever catches on, you're f*cked. Not literally. That only happens when the system is properly utilized.