Oh, snap. In your face, people who hate poor people.

Obama and Pelosi just hooked us all up with free health care, so no matter how we've screwed up our bodies, no one's gonna bill us. How sweet is that?

And to celebrate my new freedom, I'm gonna make sure I take full advantage of the services now available to me.

That weird clicking noise in my ankle? I can now get it X-Rayed… FOR FREE! And now I won't have to just wait for those blinding migraines to pass overnight; I can actually get medicine for them. And the best treatment for that sharp pain in my abdomen will no longer be "Hope-It's-Just-Recurring-Crippling-Indigestion-In-A-Weird-Spot."

But I'm not content to just take care of the ailments I already have. No, no. I want to get as many new illnesses as possible to make sure I get all that's owed to me.

If anyone out there wants practice as an amateur/unlicensed tattoo artist, my skin is now your canvas, since any future tetanus or hepatitis treatment will be FREE FREE FREE!

And I'm finally going to be able to take a live cannon ball to the stomach without worrying about how much it'll cost me. Internal hemorrhaging be damned, I'm gonna live out my lifelong dream of being a circus freak.

I'm even thinking of overcoming my fear of needles so I can take up intravenous drug use.

Now, I bet some of you out there are thinking, "But, Tony, won't behavior like this put an unnecessary strain on a system that is already over-burdened by skyrocketing health costs?"

And that's a valid question. In response, I say, "I… don't know." I just drank a gallon of bleach and I'm having a hard time focusing. My lips feel funny.

Joe Biden was right when he said this is a big fucking deal. And I'm gonna be a big fucking deal when I'm at the hospital, living like a king.