Children of today are materialistic, snooty brats. They thrive on technology: their brains buzz with cell signals, fingers tingle with texts, and thumbs throb after hours with game controllers clenched tightly in their hands. Forget homework – the internet does that. Learning new practical skills? Nah, they’ve got levels to beat, intergalactic wars to wage, “achievements” to win and the undead to conquer. Our world’s newest generation is quickly becoming its last, if their current social skills are taken into account. We need to save the human race, before it’s too late.

         How, you might ask? The answer is simple: we need to restore respect among our youth: for themselves, for others, and for nature. This can be done by shipping the lot of ‘em to Canada. Not just anywhere in Canada, either. The wilderness.

         Allow me to explain. The name of this government policy: No Child Left Inside. Purpose? Instilling an appreciation for all things good in the world: cooperation, collaboration, and love. Method? Sending children of all ages, every summer, for mandatory wilderness boarding school. The school would be nearly completely off the grid – technology would be limited to one phone, strictly for absolute emergencies. That’s why Canada is the ideal place for this –they don’t really have anything up there anyway. Kids would learn survival skills, like hunting and gathering, sewing and weaving, canoeing and swimming, and CPR. They would tend sheep and grow their own food. It’ll be awesome.

         Obviously, they won’t be up there all alone, fending off the wolves, bears, and mosquitoes. That would be silly. No, the whole camp will be staffed by a number of teachers, college students, and qualified volunteers. The kids will be grouped by age first, then randomly, into smaller, more manageable numbers. These sub-cohorts will have a family-style structure, and older kids will look after the younger ones. Not only will this make caring for them easier, but it will also teach responsibility and cooperation amongst the students. Clearly, this is an amazing idea that should be implemented immediately.

          This fantastic program will bring amazing changes. No Child Left Inside will positively, albeit forcibly, create more respectful children. They will hug trees (a vital part of the daily routine) and each other. Without television, cell phones, strategic planning of mass murders, they will be healthier and happier (if not right away, then eventually). They’ll forge lasting relationships with other children, shipped, just like them, to the middle of the Canadian wilderness.