Oh, please don’t mind me. I’m only trying to sleep. I mean, who needs it anyway? Only people who are afraid of memory loss, a crappy immune system, and the mood swings of the Hulk, that’s who. I’d much rather walk around looking and feeling like the night of the living dead. So please, go ahead, and continue to be noisy, inconsiderate douche bags at 3 ‘o’ clock in the morning.

            The sheer amount of inconsiderate behavior present in the dorm residences is unbelievable. I don’t mind drunken parties, loud music or loud people on the weekends. On weekdays, however, when we have those crazy little things called classes, I start to get a mite upset. How bored are you if you feel the sudden urge to move furniture at 2:40a.m? How high do you have to be to say: “We need scrambled eggs! Stat!” at on a Tuesday morning at 4:00a.m? This wouldn’t go down if you lived in an apartment complex. Three minutes after you accidentally set the fire alarm off at two in the morning the night before some poor sap’s presentation at work, he’d be on your ass like a bear on a beehive. The day you installed a miniature basketball hoop on your wall and felt the need to practice your free throw at some god-forsaken hour, you wouldn’t be able to sit due to the gigantic foot up your ass. Sure, I’m a nice person, but nice stops at midnight. When today turns into tomorrow is the universal shut-the-hell-up hour.

            Therefore, I propose a heavily tested psychological remedy: BB guns. Numerous psychological tests have shown that the human brain can be conditioned. For example, when a bell was rung, a dog was given food. After a while of this, after the bell was rung, the dog’s mouth would water, even though it was no longer receiving food. I propose the same type of remedy. Every time somebody on your floor feels the need to be a complete and utter prick, you knock on their door, press a button that makes a ringing noise, and, when they open the door, shoot them with a BB gun. After twenty or so aching welts, all you’ll have to do is press that little button, and they’ll turn down they’re music, stop pretending that they’re NBA players, and start being considerate residents. Effective, safe, and fun.

            All I’m really asking for here is a little decency, respect, and consideration on the part of those who feel the need to turn their music up to the decibel level of a jet engine. Just think: “might this annoy someone?” Chances are, you’ll make a lot more friends, and less people will want to impale you with a BB gun.