One day, many long years ago, someone looked at what is now Phoenix, Arizona and thought “Hmmm, I should build a city here.” Personally, I think this man was suffering from heat stroke, of which one of the symptoms is confusion. Only someone not in their right mind could possibly think that building a city in the middle of a desert is good idea. Or at least I hope that’s what happened. My only alternate diagnosis is insanity. As with all problems, there is a solution.  And so now, over 100 years later, I propose a remedy: get rid of Phoenix and its affiliated suburbs.

            Many people may wonder why I think we need to dispense of Phoenix. The answer is sustainability. Or rather, unsustainability. Phoenix does not have water. There is no way to continue at the current rate of water consumption, and likely no way to continue forever even at a drastically reduced rate with the current population. Additionally, tons of energy is wasted on cooling the buildings most of the year. What is even sadder and more wasteful is the fact heat is used in “winter.” Really, people, 60 degrees is not cold. In fact, neither is 40. Get a blanket and grow a pair. (This advice shall be applied further in my plan.) And so in short, Phoenix is an entirely unsuitable place for human habitation. So vote for cacti liberation, and remove the Phoenicians.

            The current residents of Phoenix would simply be relocated to different parts of the country deemed suitable for the occupants. For example, from observation I determined the native Phoenician has a love of golf courses. I would suggest Florida. It is actually wet enough to maintain golf courses. But you can’t have everyone move to somewhere warm, as much as they may like it. Sacrifices must be made. And so after careful study, I have determined that Michigan is a suitable area for dumping. I mean, relocation. Why? True, Michigan, like Phoenix, has some problems. Climate, luckily, is not one of them. Michigan has plenty of water, air conditioning is unnecessary and, really, heat is for pansies. (As previously suggested.) Additionally Michiganiansare having some serious issues with their economy. Moving all the Phoenicians (with compensation) to Michigan would stimulate Michigan’s economy, provide a new home for the Phoenicians, and solve the crisis of having an unsustainable city with the population of New Zealand. 

            Furthermore, the space that is now Phoenix, Arizona could be better utilized. First, all the materials currently being used for the city that could be salvaged for building would be used elsewhere. Then the land would be either returned to its natural state or covered in solar panels to power the rest of the country. Except for Las Vegas. (Next week: why Las Vegas should be moved to Maine.) This entire proposal would improve America as a whole and make us a better, stronger nation, more ready to meet the critical challenges the future will bring.