God: Noah, all the people of earth are sinners. You alone are righteous.
Noah: Thanks God. Long time fan, first time prophet.
God: So, I have decided to smite the entire world with a flood.
Noah: Couldn’t you just teach man goodness?
God: No. I’m thinking “flood.”
Noah: So you’d rather just kill every-
God: What part of “flood” do you not understand?
God: Moses…I have seen the plight of the Jews in Egypt.
Moses: Wow. Only after, uh, 400 years there, right?
God: I will take you out of Egypt after ten terrible, terrible plagues.
God: Is there a problem?
Moses: It’s just…ten is a lot. For, you know, God. Couldn’t you get this done in like, two plagues max?
God: No. For you see, Moses, I will harden Pharaoh’s heart against me.
Moses: So…you are going to stop him from letting us free from slavery.
Moses: So you can bring more terrible, terrible plagues upon the people.
Moses: And you see nothing wrong with this picture?
Moses: Are there any other Gods up there I can talk to?
Mary: Did you send the child support?
God: Frankincense and myrrh. Yeah.
God: (sighs). And gold. And the gold.
Mary: That’s better.
God: Well, this is awkward.
God: Abraham, you must circumcise yourself.
Abraham: As you wish, my lord.
God: Oh my Me. He’s totally going to do it.