Valentine's Day comes in a close second to Christmas as the most commercialized holiday in America. And by commercialized, I mean “dreaded like a herpes infection spread by one Hallmark card at a time.” Window decorations let you know that it's just about a month before gift-giving obligations find guys standing awkwardly outside Victoria’s Secret.
Since I’m decidedly single this year, I'm starting to sympathize with the plight of pagans in December. Let’s face it: "sex blogger" doesn’t crack the top ten list of Best Person to Take Out to Dinner. Take into account my morbid obesity by Asian girl standards and I’m out of luck when it comes to finding a date for the holiday of love. Finding a Kama Sutra partner is a different story.
At the end of the night, it’s not who you break bread with that counts– it’s who you break off. And there are definitely ways to score ass even if you’re single. This year, I’m finding Valentine’s Day action a little hard to come by. My hookup of choice has made the poor decision of spending the holiday with his girlfriend. Girlfriend? Sounds pretty lame to me. But hey, I’ve got it fairly easy as the proud owner of two boobs and three orifices. If I spread ‘em, they will come … where they’ll come is another matter.
For guys, it’s a bit more difficult. If you’re looking for Valentine’s vag you just have to remember that this time of year, every gal’s after romance and l-o-v-e spells the word that's the answer to your blue balls. So save the rim job requests for next week and limit your vocabulary to “cuddle,” “spoon,” and “the rest of our lives”. Your surest bet is feeding on the insecurity of the dateless. With so many guys who don’t care about Valentine’s and so many girls who do, you’re already at an advantage. “No plans tonight? Maybe that mole on your cheek is intimidating. Don’t worry, I’m not like most guys. Also, I have a mole fetish. Can I make love to it?”
Of course, it’s going to be harder to get rid of a chick you hooked up with on the most romantic day of the year. But that’s what aliases are for.
Still, no matter which eleventh hour hookups are arranged, the couples out there are the ones this holiday was made for. If you’re in a serious relationship, there’s no better time than Valentine’s Day to take it to the next level. Some say wait for dessert to break out the big stuff; I say wait until you break out the bling. As she opens that box of shiny objects, it’s your perfect chance to lean in and whisper those three magic words you’ve been waiting to say:
"Let's try anal."
When Lena isn't checking herself for cancerous moles, she writes a blog at SexAndTheIvy.com.
Questions? Comments? Need a Valentine? Email Lena at Elle @ sexandtheivy.com.