Let's face it: The world is a divided place. It seems like half the planet calls it beer pong, thinks Obama is Jesus, and believes The Discovery Channel is the greatest thing ever, while the other half calls it beirut, thinks Obama is Hitler, and doesn't smoke pot. It's time we come together as human beings. Below are 6 things upon which we can all agree.
So you've discovered the cure for cancer is the blood of Osama Bin Laden, who you just killed while saving The Harlem Children's Choir, 5,000 puppies, and Emma Watson in the process? That's great buddy, you're still a 5th degree douchebelt.
Putting aside the fact that you're committing cannibalistic infanticide, the sugar at the bottom of the Sour Patch Kids bags is like crack cocaine, if crack cocaine was actually bad for you.
Some people judge the greatness of a decade on factors like economic and social progress. Fuck those people. There are only 3 factors that need to be considered when deciding how great a decade was:
Kids Shows: Doug (the Nick version), Hey Arnold, Legends Of the Hidden Temple. Wham.
One hit wonders: Bittersweet Symphony, No Rain, The Humpty Dance. Bam.
Professional Wrestlers: Stone Cold Steve Austin, Razor Ramon, D Generation X. Thank you ma'am.
So suck on that collection of awesomeness, other arbitrary periods of time.
Regardless of how you feel about puppies and kittens, there should be no debate between cats and dogs: A fully grown cat is like that really weird kid in high school. It keeps to itself, treats any effort on your part to befriend it with contempt, and thinks it's better than you even though it smells like cat piss and shits in a box.
When "You Oughta Know" came out, there were questions regarding who Alanis Morrisette was referring to when she wrote the lyrics:
Is she perverted like me/ Would she go down on you in a theatre?
Not anymore. 4 words: Uncle. Motherfuckin'. Joey. Gladstone. This is actually a double whammy, as it is both something we should all agree on and another reason why the 90s was the best decade ever.
Randy 'The Ram' Robinson hated the 90s, every professional athlete and reality show contestant thinks Ed Hardy is great, diabetics don't like sour patch kids for some reason, and everyone has laughed LOLcats at some point. But as the popular saying goes, dissenting opinions are like assholes: everyone has them, and they're assholes.
(But Alanis Morrisette did blow Uncle Joey in a movie theater. Seriously, I would not lie to you about something like that.)
Headings Illustrated by Jesse Eisemann