I can’t bring myself to ascribe to the entirety of Christian doctrine. Their message of peace and good will towards mankind rings true, but humanism suits me more than Catholicism. How can I avoid burning in hell for all of eternity?
Perspiring in Pittsburg, PA
I live in a magnificent castle set in bucolic fields it’s not that bad.
Dear Dido, Queen of Carthage,
You were a strong woman, a queen who founded a nation and ruled it wisely, but even you succumbed to lust. If as strong a woman as you can’t resist these primal urges, how can I be expected to stay level-headed?
Perplexed and Pantsless in Pittsburg, PA.
It’s a myth that Dante wrote of the Queen of Carthage, he actually wrote about ME, Dido, queen of all music! You know me, right? iiiiIIIII want to thank youuuuu? For giving me the best daAAAy of my liiiifeeeee. No? Ask you mother. I’m her favorite early ‘00s singer, guaranteed. Talk about lust? Ask your mother who’s the one woman she’ll go gay for. Me. Dido. Or Ellen Degeneres. Either way, I’m here to help with your issue.
Lust is part of a woman’s being, it’s what makes her female, it’s what ooooOOOOh just to be with youuuu, is having the beeeEEst daaaAAAy of my liiifeeee. You want to turn that lust off, but I know what obstacle is in your way: John Stamos’s hair. Baby, that’s one obstacle you cannot surmount.
Also, no, I’m not dead yet. You’re allowed to answer advice columns from the depths of hell when you’ve been nominated for two Grammy’s (TWO).
Dear Uncle Joey from Full House,
I’m trying to watch my figure, but raising three boys (ages 36, 38 and 2!) is stressful. At the end of the day, all I want to do is lay back in my hauntingly empty, king-size bed with a jar of Nutella and eat my feelings. Do you have any dieting tips?
Plenty of Parenting Problems in Pittsburg, PA
I get where you’re coming from raising three adorable little girls with two other charismatic, middle-aged men should have been a breeze, but you can’t imagine the shenanigans we got into! I was only supposed to stay in that house for two months, but as soon as Jesse moved in… I couldn’t leave. The incessant whining of that little brat Michelle drove me to binge eat late at night and… come on, I’m in the third level of hell for that? Couldn’t I have been put in the first? I’ve lusted in my time, oh yes I’ve lusted. The dark, slicked back locks of Jesse’s hair should have everyone who’s flipped through cable TV after growing bored of Judge Judy placed in the first level of hell.
Your problem isn’t the food, silly wabbit, it’s your lifestyle. You’ve got to loosen up, let yourself enjoy life. Maybe your hair will never look like Uncle Jesse’s, but you’ve got to think of your strengths. Maybe you can tell a good fart joke, maybe you can exactly mimic Elmer Fudd’s voice, maybe you’re a loveable goofball who just has a lot on his… her plate? I don’t know you.
Dear Multitudes of Howling People,
I wouldn’t classify myself as greedy, but I’m on track to being so! Sometimes, I take the last cookie from the cookie jar when I’ve promised my significant other that he can have it! Help me eradicate this disgusting behavior from my lifestyle! please.
Prodigal Procurer of Paltry Pastries… Proclivity, Prodigious, P-word-alliteration in Pittsburg, PA
Uncle Joey here again. I’ve been moved down a notch. Turns out Satan thinks editing home videos down to just the Uncle Jesse parts is greedy (Michelle’s Baptism: Jesse Remix, and DJ’s first steps: Jesse Remix are two of my favorites). Don’t see how this is sound logic, I’m petitioning to move back to the second level of hell.
You don’t fucking know what it’s like to hoard food. I once ate an entire cabinet of Annie’s Shells and White Cheddar Mac and Cheese. I deprived Michelle of her favorite food for a week.
I’m confused about who’s answering these questions,
I’ve been in a funk lately. My first serious boyfriend just broke up with me and I can’t seem to move on. I feel such anger towards him for this unanticipated break up. Should I put myself out there and meet new people or take a break and remove myself from the dating scene?
Punctual in Pittsburg, PA
Surprise! It’s DIDO! I’m having the beeessstttt daaaAAAAy of my liifeeee! This is my calling. This. Writing. Answering. Advising. Mentoring. Creating. Writing. I don’t have an answer for you, Punctual, but you’ve inspired me to write a new, hit single! JoooooohnnnNNN, just to be with youuuu, I want to run my fingerssss throuuuugh your haiiirrrrrr.
Umm… who lives in this level? Filippo Argenti? Please answer my ques-
Uncle Joey again! What’s up, doc? Hahaha, I almost didn’t have the chance to advise you, Dido’s been going on a rampage and OH NO HERE SHE COMES— YoooouuuuUUU, with the thick black hairrrrr, I know you’re reading this John, don’t play coyyyyy.
Please stay away from my man.
Uncle Joey in Pittsburg, PA
You can’t fucking make me.
I’m warning you. You don’t want to go there.
Uncle Joey in Pittsburg, PA
Dido here! From the secret, 10 level of hell! Jooooohnnnn, you know I Ioooveee youuu- UNCLE JOEY HERE. Be vewy, vewy quiet IT'S DIDO SEASON!