Careful, guys, that your Valentine' s gift this year doesn't send the wrong message.


The Gift

To the Guy   

To the Girl


She's sweet!

Does he seriously want me to get fat? Because if that's what he wants, that's what he'll get.

A Teddy


Here's a snuggly, wuggly bear for my honey!

Great. Now I have to share the bed with two furry animals. At least this one won't snore.


She'll know how serious I am about my love for her.

He didn't even cut off the thorns? Now there's two ways for him to give me a little prick.  

Dance Lessons

 It'll be nice to do something she likes for a change. Plus, we don't get to see each other enough.

 If he's trying to prove to me, once and for all, that he's really not gay, he may want to rethink this gift.

A Vibrator

 I'm inadequate in bed.

He's inadequate in bed, but at least now I'll be able to have one of those "orgasm" things everyone keeps raving about. 

An Original Poem

 I know it's a little cheesy, but she really draws out my romantic side.

How does this poem suck? Let me count the ways: The iambic pentameter is all messed up. It's unstressed, stressed, unstressed, not stressed, unstressed, unstressed. Oh, and hug and love do NOT rhyme. Don't quit your fucking day job, Lord Tennyson.   

An Engagement Ring

 This diamond represents our love: beautiful and eternal.

Yes! I've officially given my last blow job!  

A Star Named After Her

 Now every time we gaze ino the night sky, we'll be reminded of our undying committment to each other. 

 So it's not that bright, it's distant, and it takes forever to finally get to you? I'm glad that's how he thinks of me. Here: I've named the couch after him. Hopefully he'll sleep on it.