When you hawk phlegm while sitting at your computer I contemplate whether it's true that you get straight A's if your roommate dies.
Carlos, School Not Given
In our triple my roommate and I would make up fake screen names pretending we were girls and instant message our third roommate telling him we met him at a party and would convince him to meet "the girl" at random places on campus that we could see from our room. We would watch him sit there and wait for like 30 minutes at a time.
Jon, Anonymous School
Remember how you used to come home from work everyday and chug a big glass of my milk? Remember that one night when you chugged half the glass, stopped, smelt it, checked the expiration date, and then chugged the rest? Bad news buddy. That wasn't milk. It was mayonnaise and water.
John, University of Central Florida
At the end of my sophomore year, my freshman roommate, who was a douche, was always cold, cranking the heater to max and would turn it back up every time I would turn it down, even if I was right there. When he went back home for a weekend I dismantled the heater and reversed the way the temperature knob worked. Put it to hot and it would turn it off, put it to cold and it would get hot. I then cracked the window behind my loft just a hair and glued the handle so it couldn’t be fully closed but so you couldn’t tell that it was open. All that work and a good Illinois winter kept him in the freeze, it would get to like 30 degrees in there. With two weeks left of school it drove him insane while I was nice and toasty at my girlfriend’s for the rest of the time. I would come in and be like, "Wow, man it’s cold in here, how can you handle this?" It was worth the effort.
Brian, School Not Given
I was the one that switched your fuck buddy's number and your mom's cell phone number in your phone. I almost lost it when you told me the story of sending your mom the text "Are you wet?" only to have her call you right away and hear you answer with "Mmm I bet you want my hard cock right now, huh babe?" You were pretty shaken up when you told me.
Alex, Evergreen State College
My roommate was kind of a douche bag, in fact I hated him. He had a habit of leaving his laundry and shoes around the house. One night I got one of my buddies to poop into a thing of aluminum foil and then freeze the poop in the freezer. When I heard him get up the next day for class and get in shower I went in the kitchen, put on some gloves, unwrapped the poop, cut it into chips and put it in his shoes and the back pocket of the jeans that he was going to wear for that day. He might not have noticed the smell when the poop chips were frozen, but when they melted on his way to class and during class he sure did. I could not understand why he moved out.
Pete, Eastern Kentucky University
My roommate was a totally anti-fun. She never drank, had sex, or anything. The only thing she did was smoke cigarettes. So one night my friends and I stole a pack of her cigarettes and added a little weed to each of them. She thought she was just really hyper and went on and on for weeks afterwards about how that night was the most fun she'd ever had! After that every time she'd yell at me for going out, I would bust up laughing inside.
Jude, School Not Given
Two years ago, I had to get a new roommate because mine left for a new school halfway through the year. Anyway, my internet was down and I had to go on my roommates to check my Ebay account. I had a feeling the guy was a bit weird, so I checked his “my pictures” folder and found self taken pictures of his erect penis with his face in the background. They were taken near gooch, and upward.
Mitchell, University of Wisconsin Stevens Point
My freshman year of college, my roommate ate all of my food, insisted on having the window open at night (even though it was winter and my bed was next to the window), and had his ugly-ass girlfriend sleep over EVERY night. Add to this the fact that he was a total hick who decked out in cammo everyday and blared country music at 7am, and I had had enough. Near the end of first semester, when everybody was starting to register for classes, I noticed a post-it note above his desk. Turns out, he wrote down his student ID number and password the day before and forgot to throw it away. So, I signed into his student account, dropped all the classes he had registered for, and signed him up for fashion and dance classes (he is a construction management major.) He didn't find out until the first day of the next semester when the classes he wanted had already filled up. I moved out a few days later, and never found out how he fixed the situation. Serves you right you fat hick.
August, Colorado State
One of my buddies is real easy to mess with, so I've been testing out a bunch of pranks on him. My favorite one thus far goes like this: I created a screen name called ActionPizzaQU. Next I went on facebook and got all the screen names I could find from students who live on campus (I got about 600 together for this prank). Next I sent them all a message that read: "Hi you have won a free pizza through Action Pizza's Finals Week Facebook Give Away! Your name was randomly selected from the Quinnipiac data base to receive a free large cheese pizza! Just call (roommates number here) and be sure to tell all your friends to order from Action Pizza!". Over the course of two days he must have received at least a hundred calls, and he is convinced someone is out to get him.
S.Dot, Quinnipiac University
My roommate was one of the “non-sharing” types. If I needed something from her she would get bent out of shape. However, when she wanted something she would whine like a little brat until she got it. Well, one day I came home and I was hungry. I hadn’t been to the store and so to satisfy my hunger I went into the fridge and ate 1 of 3 whole pickles left in the jar. She noticed. She approached me about it and flipped out on me for eating on of her pickles. How lame. There were still two left and it’s just a pickle. So, the next time she was gone I decided to have my way (if ya know what I mean) with one of the two remaining pickles. I cleaned it off, dirtied it up again and gently placed it back into the jar it came from. 2 days later it was gone and I sure as hell didn’t eat it. Revenge is a B!#CH. True story.
Stephanie, School Not Given
Editor's note: This "Best of" was comprised mostly of Roommate Confessions from 2007 and a couple from 2008. Stay tuned for 2008 2025.