On Tuesday, Senator Chuck Schumer of New York accused the Earth's largest social stalking website of "needlessly exposing private information of its 400 million users without their permission." Quite unusual, really, that a website tirelessly dedicated to letting every last one of its users know precisely what every other user is wasting every second of their life doing on it would be reprimanded for its privacy policy.

Senator Schumer rallied Senator Al Franken of Minnesota and Senator Mike Bennet of Colorado, and together, the force of government officials too old to comprehend the modern-day pastime of stalking told Facebook to change its privacy policy or face the wrath of the government. Facebook shivered in anticipation of the government's wrath, but not really, because we all know that the first thing on the government's mind is pretending they care about healthcare for everyone while simultaneously secretly giving multimillion dollar salaries to billionaires who will use it to make it look like they are donating to the poor and needy while really using it to buy an eighth car to park in their third garage and never ever use.

But why do these senators care? They're all Democrats – and Facebook founder and professional stalker Mark Zuckerberg is a Republican. And internet partisan civil war is currently all the rage. 

But seriously, why should three old guys care what Facebook is doing? Turns out Schumer's daughter, a spoiled Yale Law student, called within .7 seconds of hearing about Facebook's new privacy policy, and did what rich mens' daughters do best: whined. The conversation lasted less than two minutes and consisted of words such as "stalking, Facebook, unfair, fix it, I love you, money, I hate you, get Barack to fix it, cake, I can do it better than him, that's what she said, fix it pretty please with a cherry on top, I love you, thanksdaddybye…"

Senator Bennet also has three kids of his own, ages 10, 9, and 5, all of whom he wants to educate about consumer privacy, especially considering the youngest is planning to register for Facebook within the month (but don't tell his dad!) 

Facebook defended its new policy with a really, really, really, really long note that nobody wanted to read. In facet, Senator Franken said, "I would read… but we really have only so much time here." Of course, don't want to take time away from the government, who is doing so much for the country right now as we sit here idly stalking each other while an economic depression rages on, away from our computer screens. 

On Wednesday, Schumer's minions will face off against those of Zuckerberg, in an epic battle of government versus stalkerism. And ultimately, stalkerism will win, because everyone knows that Facebook doesn't change back to what it was, regardless of how many people prefer it in its original form.

Read the official article here: