Leave it to KFC to question your faith in humanity. With the introduction of the new “Double Down” chicken sandwich, KFC has broad jumped over the line separating a run-of-the-mill morally dubious fast-food chain and an establishment that spews horrors the likes of which the world hasn’t seen since Paul Resier’s return to celluloid in the film “The Thing about My Folks.”
In case you have been living under a rock (or get regular exercise) the “Double Down Chicken Sandwich” is a chicken sandwich without the bun. Because according to four focus groups buns just get in the way of a great sandwich (Editor’s Note: These focus groups took place between three rural trailer parks and also on the set of ‘The View”) Instead of a bun on the outside of the sandwich there are two pieces of fried chicken. Stuffed in between these two stent stretching breasts of golden grease are two types of cheese: Monterey Jack and Pepper Jack. Snuggled gently in between the cheeses like a heart attack in your sleep are two pieces of bacon perfectly seasoned by whatever KFC has lying around that day (If you go to KFC in the spring they usually have special ‘Surplus Sidewalk Salt’ cured bacon.) But if you feel that two pieces of chest tightening fried chicken, more cheese than a Bon Jovi album and surplus bacon from “Operation: Desert Storm” don’t sound like enough to assuage your robust waistline fear not! Because every “Double Down Chicken Sandwich” comes with a liberal slathering of “Colonel Sauce”! Yes, that’s right, “Colonel Sauce.” The quotation marks are present to ensure quality.
Today I bought myself one of these pants tightening beauties. Once the pain in my left shoulder subsided and I regained my eyesight I must admit that it wasn’t all bad. Sure the cheese scalded my mouth, the chicken dried out my insides and the bacon stole my stereo but I must admit that the “Colonel Sauce” was a real treat. It tasted like Big Mac sauce that had not been spit in yet.
At over 1,200 calories the “Double Down” is a structural feat of fast food engineering. Rumor even has it that architectural magnate and “Perfect Strangers” aficionado Frank Gehry was a consultant on the blueprinting of this golden brown behemoth.
I would suggest getting all of your papers in order before ingesting one of these sandwiches. At almost a days worth of calories, a weeks worth of fat and enough salt to thaw out Antarctica this is a sandwich that should only be consumed if you are either planning on killing yourself or trying to come up with a cheap way to prepare for a colonoscopy. Colonel Sanders must be rolling in his grave…. Wait a minute. What was he even a Colonel of? Chicken?