Have you ever been driving on a road, nothing but the wind in your hair, great scenery, the open road with empty lanes all around you, and oh yeah that P.O.S. 1981 Honda civic -complete with a tailpipe the size of an adult walrus dragging off the back- driving 2.3 millimeters behind your bumper? Are you tired of these idiotic wastes of air driving like its bumper to bumper when really there is less people on the road than at a Milli Vanilli reunion concert? Well then I propose we do something about these lack of depth perception pimp my ride rejects and require all new cars to be fitted with a spike strip dropper to pop the tires of said tailgater and a safety sensor that only drops when there is a car within in two feet of your car for 1.5 miles or more -we’ll test it out on GM first, if it doesn’t work what’s one more bailout?-
First I would like to clear the air and make it known I am under no circumstances a slow driver, I’m no Richard Petty or anything but I’m on the same level as a Jeff Gordon. I have a Mustang Gt and I am constantly over the speed limit by a minimum of ten mph (unless you are a cop and reading this in which case I drive the speed limit at all time officer) so when there is someone tailgating me I get more confused than Liberace in the playboy mansion. What exactly are you accomplishing by following so close that I feel like you owe me a steak dinner? It saves .0036 nanoseconds (give or take) and just makes everyone even more livid on top of the anger at all the bloody photograph enforcement automobiles around (yes that sentence was written with a British accent.) Luckily I have come up with a proposal or insanely genius super planthat so unbelievably brilliant that its almost godlike, whichever you prefer.
Here is a little something that I like to call Plan sigma alpha delta give the tailgaters a little payback so nobody has to deal with them any longer because wouldn’t that be awesome if we didn’t, or Plan A but I think the earlier rolls off the tongue nicely. Since new cars out there have all these great new fancy pants movement sensors and can park themselves, get your dry cleaning and a double low fat skinny latte from Starbucks in one swift fluid motion, I propose we put sensors in the rear bumper to see how close the car behind you is following. When the car get within two feet a little red light in the shape of a menacing fist lights up on your dash, and if that car stays within that distance for the next 1.5 miles a fancy little contraption (that I like to call Doomsday 2.0 Muahaha) drops a spike strip and pops Mr. I’msocool’s tires. The Doomsday 2.0 is located right under the rear bumper (a deluxe version will also be available that comes out of the license plate) and merely unfolds out and simply drops the spikes and pops the offenders tires. Then maybe they will get our points (pun intended) about how mind boggling annoying they really are.