I took it upon myself to make some minor alterations to an email sent to us by the Service Desk. Please read carefully and enjoy.

Dear Staff and Students,

Earlier this week "Grant Werner (Education Technology Director)" sent an email to all staff and students outlining the cause of the IT system instability over the past week.
Please disregard it. Grant is not one of our staff and we have no idea who he really is or how he sent it. It represents a pretty serious hole in our network security, actually.

Over the course of this week we have been working with our "software" and "hardware" vendors to resolve the problems. Especially our "software" problems, if you know what we mean. Also "vendors".

We intend to conduct additional trouble-shooting steps this evening and over the weekend with our gun-shoes, which may assist in determining the root cause of the problem or resolve the issue all-together. We value team work highly, hence why we solve them "all together" and not "individually" (or altogether). I'm looking at you, Grant. Oh wait, he's not on our staff. Anyway.

As a result, there will be outages, inages and ownages of IT systems (including email and the file server) this evening and over the weekend. We will aim to keep the duration of these pwnages as short as possible. We apologise for the ongoing inconvieience (seriously, how could we misspell "inconvenience" that badly; you'd think that it's something we're used to apologising for…) that the system instabilities are causing and hope to have the problems resolved soon. Of course if we had solved them properly the first time, we would not need to "re-solve" them, but that's just how the situation stands.

We will keep all "users" updated regarding progress on the issue, as well as you students who don't do drugs.

Regards you strangely and with green eyes,

Education Technology Service Desk (and staff. But we're really just the desk's subordinates. Those wooden legs do all the work.)