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I love my roommate, but she's one of those flighty, helpless girls who couldn't survive on her own. She gets very moody and, especially when pmsing, decides to take everything out on me. On days that she's too much to handle, I find it my responsibility to balance our apartment's karma. I take her favorite pair of chopsticks that she uses almost everyday and use them to transport crickets from the box that I have for them, to my lizard's cage. While I have her chopsticks on hand, I'm sure to remove all of the dead crickets from the box and throw them out (I don't have to be too gentle with the dead crickets). I also take this time to clean up lizard poo or any cricket parts from my lizard's cage with the chopsticks. When he has had enough crickets, I return her chopsticks to the utensil drawer, making sure that they don't touch the spoons and forks (because that would be gross)!
Maggie V.

As with most roommate pairs, I had no problems with my roommate at the beginning of the year. But over time I realized that he was just a fat, lazy, pathetic redneck, and nothing more. Well, when Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 came out he would play it anywhere from 8 to 14 hours a day. It wouldn't have bothered me, but he was constantly talking while he played. Every time he would die or get a kill, he'd say something about it. He had the sense of humor of a middle-schooler, so his insults, comebacks and general conversations were just terrible to listen to. And, of course, he would play at night. So to get him back, I took his Xbox 360 and dumped water down it while it was running. Then, just to be safe, I unplugged it and put it in his microwave for 20 seconds. I forgot to take his game disc out, but that didn't really matter since the thing wouldn't even turn on anymore. His 360 was toast. He literally cried when he found out it was broken.

Anonymous

My roommate, usually a nice guy, would always have his annoying ("like, totally awesome!") girlfriend over and when I took naps it happened often enough that they didn't take the action to a different room. This wouldn't even be so bad if it wasn't for her annoying valley accent the way she moans and her extra pounds. One day I just replaced their KY with extra stiffening hair gel. Long story short: because of the friction she started to bleed down there, he not only needed to drive her to the clinic but also explain to her dad what happened. When he told me how he will sue KY I knew I was successful. The two lovers broke up, he's still my friend and I hope he doesn't read this.
Anonymous

Our one roommate was being a complete bitch. He thought he was entitled to everything and made a huge mess all over our beautiful apartment. Anyway, we had to get him back. He's vegan, so he has very specific needs with his food. Well I hope you enjoyed your "cheese", because we've been rubbing our nuts on the knife for months. And when that's not enough, we've been rubbing our nuts on the collar of your T shirts. Yep, you really shouldn't use that collar to wipe your nose. Anyway, we had to get back at him.
Jon R. from SUNY Plattsburgh

I had two brothers for roommates and one night we had this killer house party. We were playing beer pong and quarters and getting totally trashed. I was hooking up with his hot little honey on the couch. We had been doing some heavy petting and things were really heating up. I had to take a piss so I made my way to the bathroom, I took this opportunity to sneak a couple of bong bowls so I was gone a little longer than it took me to piss. While I was away my roommate moved in on the chick and when I returned they were screwing right on the couch. I was not too pissed is seeing how we did this each other all the time. The funny thing is the chick gave him crabs. I laughed my ass off when he found out. Thanks dude for taking one for the team and sparing me the crabs.
J. R A from NMSU

My freshman year of college I roomed with a guy I knew in high school. He seemed nice enough for the first month or so, but I guess as soon as he felt comfortable in the dorm he started to masturbate, all of the time. It got to the point that it became a daily occurrence, and it was not a matter of if, but when I would walk in on him flogging his dolphin. Well, I confronted him about it, saying that all guys need some time to themselves and to at least lock the door if he was going to be "busy". He agreed, and for a while I never had to walk in and suddenly be on the wrong end of the awkward over-the-shoulder look. Then one night I woke up and heard him doing the deed. I cleared my throat and he stopped, but attempted to jerk it again the next night. Being rather fed up with this, without him knowing, I sent a text to all of the guys in the dorm saying that I was having a little party, and my roommate was not very pleased when 30 guys decided to interrupt his "alone time."

Chris M. from Texas A&M

So, I had this reaally big bitch with no common courtesy living with me. She always took all my stuff without asking, stealing my clothes and never washing them, even stone my razors (eiew). We were staying in a place with one bathroom, and one day she was taking an insanely long time doing her makeup in there; I asked for her to go do her makeup in her room. because I needed to blow my nose. She refused, and said "I'm gunna take longer now because you're a bitch." and didn't come out for another 30 minutes. Sooo, my nose still being runny and all, may have ended up being wiped on your 'clean' shirts. Oops. A couple days later she freaked out because I didn't drive her to go tanning, so when she left I noticed the case she keeps her bowl, I grabbed a couple bowls worth, that night she smoked us both down. That's what you get princess.
Katt Rocks

I have always been a good roommate to you. We share one room and one bathroom. I'm OCD and you are a slob. I don't complain, I just clean up your shit too, I even make your bed. You bring your boyfriend over all the time, he sleeps in the same room as us almost every night. I never say anything, I smile and let him stay. Even though it annoys the hell outta me when you two start whispering about god knows what. I don't complain when I get sexiled either. I just walk away and sit in the courtyard listening to my iPod for an hour or two, and try to get into the room again. I take care of you when you are drunk, and I used to watch out for you at parties before you started dating, I still keep an eye on you just in case. I clean the dishes. I put everything away. I even pick up your dead nasty hair from the shower drain. I let you blast the air conditioner even though I get sick easy and the only blanket I have is a thin one… I never complain. You leave all the lights on, you turn them on when I am sleeping, you sing to yourself and talk loudly to your friends via webcam and cell when I'm sick in bed trying to rest, and I say nothing. Im there to comfort you when you need me, and I deal with your almost Bipolar attitude. Its ok though, you are a great friend, I just can't stand living with you. I don't like being a bitch, but every time you leave your wet clothes from jumping in the pool or from the beach on the bathroom floor, or crumpled up someplace… I use them to clean up the nasty ass bathtub scum. Sorry but there is only so much I can take. Just be glad that those are only your dirty clothes and not your clean ones.
Phe C.

For the past month I've been giving my roommate's cell phone number to sketchy horny dudes on omegle telling them I'm a hot girl. They're desperate enough to buy it and he get's at least 5 texts a day from all over the country. Most of them read "Hey sexy".
Anthony P. from Marist

My next door dorm mate keeps playing her crappy drum and bass/rap music at top volume every day, the only thing worse than that is when the music was quiet but she was having very loud sex obviously against the wall. As suck i decided to play the pok√©mon theme tune at top level with my speakers against the wall. She stopped shortly after that, kinda a mood killer I guess…
Jennifer Murray from Oxford Brookes University



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