All of these earthquakes around the world are getting a lot of people talking about the next Big One that is due to hit the good old U.S. of A., and more specifically, the state I’m in at this very moment, California. I’ve earthquake-proofed my apartment: I puttied the vases to shelves, stocked up on canned foods, and made a meet-up plan with friends who live nearby. Because whenever it happens, you’ve got to be prepared.

 

Which got me thinking about other big shake-ups in life. I’m talking about huge, life-changing events. Things that can alter your entire life, your routine, your happiness. And it made me realize that maybe we aren’t ready for the REAL Big One: The Final Episode of Lost.

 

Perhaps we should all pack our “Lost Go Bags” over the next few weeks. What will keep our brains working so hard to solve puzzling questions? Perhaps a MENSA brain game book will help. What will keep our crush machines up and running without weekly doses of Sawyer, Kate, and Jack? Perhaps we’ll all have to date real people now (gross). What will keep us entertained every Tuesday night? (If you say the show “V,” I will punch you in your vagina).

 

All I’m saying is, you’ve got to be prepared! We’ll miss you, LOST!

 

Here’s what went down this week, in an exploding submarine:

In Plane Dimension, Jack brings his son to the reading of Christian’s will, only to learn that he has a half sister, Claire. They’re both confused by the whole thing, including a music box that Christian left for Claire. Jack gets called in for an emergency surgery on (surprise) John Locke. Jack repeatedly tries to convince Locke to let Jack save him from his prior injury, but Locke refuses. Jack even tracks down (with the help of Bernard) Locke’s dad. In Island dimension, Sayid and Smocke have taken Jack to Hydra Island, where Sawyer, Frank, Kate, Sun, Jin, Hurley and Claire are put in our old cages. Jack agrees to help free his friends, but he wants to stay on the island. Jack, Sayid and Smocke set everyone free and they all go to the plane. When they see it had a bomb on it, they head for the sub. Our gang gets on the sub (after Kate gets shot) – without Claire and Locke – only to discover that this was Smocke's whole plan. He planted a bomb on Jack. When Sawyer tries to dismantle it, Zombie Sayid takes the bomb for the team – BOOM! – and – OH MY GOD – we lose Sun and Jin as the sub sinks into oblivion.

 

PLEASE PAUSE FOR A MOMENT OF SILENCE.

 

Here’s what we learn:

1. Goodbye, Sun and Jin. I am so happy we got to see you reunited before we lost you.

2. Goodbye, Chip From Kate & Allie. Good to know you were working again.

3. I am a fucking pussy. I cried so much in this episode. SO GOOD! Helen kissing Jack in the hospital? TEARS. Sun and Jin in the sub? HOLY SHIT! TEARS!

4. Sorry I missed the last episode, guys. (PLUG! I was shooting Californication.)

5. In Plane Dimension, Locke’s dad, Anthony Cooper, seemed like a good dude. But he was paralyzed when a plane that Locke was flying crashed. Locke thinks the wheelchair is his own punishment.

6. More and more 815 passengers are linking up in Plane Dimension.

7. Locke is starting to remember, at least in his sleep.

8. Jack is pretty set on staying on the island. It’s become clear in this episode that JACK IS OUR NEW JACOB. This is huge. Sayid confirms it with his “because it’s going to be you” right before he dies. And as it were, we are down to three candidates now.

9. Smocke was getting everyone “together” so that he could kill them. Or rather, so he could have them kill themselves (since he’s not allowed to kill them). Once all of the Jacob candidates were dead, Smocke could leave the island.

10. What would you have done if you were Jin? Would you have stayed? Remember, they have a kid. What if you were Sun? Would you make Jin leave? Would you tell him, “I don’t want our baby to grow up with no parents?” Man, that scene was INTENSE.

11. No one’s guarding that sub? REALLY?

12. More parts I could have auditioned for: the orderly who escorts Locke out of the hospital, one of the people guarding the plane, the surgeon who talks to Jack. C’mon!

13. Even Zombie Sayid knows how bomb wires work. And he still has enough sense in him to save everyone else from the bomb. WE LOVE YOU, ZOMBIE SAYID!

14. FRANK! Dead? Alive? Thoughts?