My roommate Steven recently faced a common college dilemma.  He wanted to go out for Cinco de Mayo (also known as blatantly racist parties day) but had an 8am class the next morning.  We have a very strict attendance policy and he was one absence away from getting an automatic F in his class.  Because not getting too drunk to wake up that early wasn’t an option (is it ever?)  Steven needed another plan.  The night unfolded as follows:

 

 

We head to a mutual friend’s party.  Steven is in full Cinco de Mayo mode, wearing a multi-colored poncho, a fake mustache, and drinking cheap tequila straight from the bottle.  With him is his school backpack, he refuses to let me see what he is carrying inside.   We are moderately drunk.

 

We arrive at the party.  Get considerably more intoxicated.  After about an hour, a girl he seems to know approaches-

 

(Girl) Steven? 

 

(Steven)  You’re goddamn right I am

 

Steven is hammered.

 

(Girl) um..ok, you know we have class in like 6 hours right?  Don’t you already have four absences?

 

Stephen laughs, pats her on the top of the head.  Pushes her aside in pursuit of more tequila.

 

Two hours pass

 

Party dies down, it’s time to head home.  I look for Steven, he is nowhere to be found.  I text him and ask where he is. He replies “I’m in there like swim wear.”  I take this to mean that he has gone home with some girl and will somehow get to his class (that starts in 4 hours).  Not even close.

 

Steven later explained where he went.  When he decided he was done with the party he walked to the building where is 8am was going to be.  He swiped his student id to get inside and went to his classroom.   Then, he put his poncho in his backpack, took out the pillow he had been carrying all night, and passed out in his desk.       

 

He awoke to his professor standing over him.

 

(Professor)  Steven why are you sleeping in here?

 

(Steven)  I was up all night working on a project and thought I could squeeze in a few minutes of sleep before class started.

 

(Professor) Steven, class just ended.  We tried to wake you for the first twenty minutes of class.

 

(Steven)  Oh

 

(Professor)  Oh indeed.  However, technically you WERE present though, so you don’t fail yet.

 

Steven smiles, gets up, and starts to leave the classroom.

 

(Professor calls out ) Oh! And Steven!

 

(Steven)  What?

 

(Professor) Nice mustache.