Let's get one thing straight – we're all procrastinators. It's practically the only thing that unites the races, sexes and species in the animal kingdom. And it seems that everyone has a similar method for studying the night leading up to a final.

Before you even crack that textbook open for the first time (and possibly tear the plastic wrap off) it's safe to pray to the Finals God. Without his mercy we have nothing to live for. This is a moment of desperation and even though you don't believe in God, you need him by your side right now. Remember, there are no atheists in foxholes.

Whoa, okay wow there's a lot of text in this book and slim to nil pics. Did NOT see that coming. And what's with the font-size and margins? Are they trying to pack as much information as they can on this page? Jesus Fuc — sorry God, didn't mean that please let me pass. It's just — haha — okay I just feel a little light-headed is all maybe rocking back and forth will help.

NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! Rocking back and forth did not help. You know what I need a break. NO! No breaks, not yet. Okay, there's no way I can read the entire book. Maybe I'll just skim. Look for keywords and just get the jist of it. That's all these tests are anyway — recall. But geez 32 pages in a chapter that's a lot of skimming. Okay, getting a little dizzy. Lying down.

 

Okay, chapter skimming done. Reward yourself.

That's how to get things done baby!! You do some chapter skimming. You get a reward. Phew, little tired from that though. OK, man up man up. Gotta ride the Bull. We knew we'd have to do this. Let's just raid the roomie's fridge right quick. OK OK OK LIQUID CANDY ENERGY LET'S GET PUMPED. 1 out of 6 chapters skimmed. LET'S GO BABY!

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. I can't do this. Next chapter was 42 pages!!! HAHA WHAT IS THAT?! I CAN'T TAKE THIS. I'M NOT READY. FUCK FUCK FUCK. THINK. FUCK. OK, WE'RE DEFINITELY NOT TAKING IT. IT'S TOO HARD. HAHA I'LL JUST BRUISE MYSELF UP A LITTLE. CAN'T LET A CRIPPLE TAKE A FINAL?!? THAT'S INHUMANE. I CAN DO THIS. I CAN DO THIS. I LOVE YOU MOM. I CAN DO THIS.

I can't do this. Fuck.

 

Repeat tomorrow night for next final, right after watching a movie. Or two. And checking Facebook really quick.