Two seasons are now in full-swing: baseball season and boning season. You'd be surprised how similar the two actually are..

The following is a guide to labeling partners and relationship prospects according to the structure of Major League Baseball.

 

The Show: Labeling Females According to Major League Baseball

 

Free Agent- A single girl…at any level. There are free agents which don’t get signed and there are free agents that many teams are seeking so sign, but a free agent is any female not currently assigned to a team. Note: If teams have obviously EXPRESSED interest in a player, proper procedure allows a period for the free agent to mull her choices. In other words, don’t cockblock too early if you know of a team that has, for the sake of argument, invited the free agent to a tryout or is putting her through a physical.

 

Non-roster Spring Training Invite (or Non-roster Invite for short)- This is someone you’re probably sure you don’t want on your team but invited for some reason. Often, this invite is alcohol-induced. A Non-roster Invite is a regrettable, random, HOPEFULLY drunken hookup that you realize after Spring Training (in the morning) that you don’t want playing on your team. You thank this person for coming to camp and make sure they know they just don’t have what it takes to perform for you on a professional or semi-professional level.

 

Low-A Short Season- This player is one that shows some glimmer of potential for a short amount of time. In this metaphor, summer equals the evening in question. A Low-A Short Season player is a random hookup that is decent and presentable. Unlike a Non-roster Invite, which you may or may not inform your friends about…ever…a Low-A Short Season layer is one you aren’t too embarrassed to talk about. You don’t necessarily want her playing for you, but she at least has some trade value.

 

Regular Low-A- This spot is reserved for two types of individuals. First, A Low-A player might be the very earliest stages of a crush. You’ve seen her across the room in Business Communications, but you haven’t really had a chance to sit down and REALLY give her a good Facebook stalking. You haven’t attempted contact and you’re not even sure you will. If you do, she may be promoted, but if you don’t… odds are she’s going to move on to a team that respects her talent. The second category of woman in Low-A are the Short Season players which become repeat offenders. Due to spending more than one evening on your proverbial bench, you’ve been forced to communicate with her and perhaps connect with her on some superficial level. Because of this, she is officially a member of your regular Low-A team.

 

Single-A- Single-A players are those that you view as legitimate contenders for promotion. These may be individuals that you have heard rumors of expressed interest from, or players who you have labeled as easily attainable if a roster spot is open. Another type of Single-A player, for instance, may be a crush that you’ve spoken with and perhaps hinted about your feelings to. Oh yeah, and she didn’t shoot you down because they wish to play for a contender or tell you she’s already signed by a handsome, rich, asshole team already…but I digress.

 

Double-A- These players are dreams which haven’t come true. You’d give your left nut, or your first through sixth-round draft picks and your ace to have her on the team. She just doesn’t know how badly you want her in the lineup. Double-A is also designated for persons you wish to potentially have in your lineup and you have received information from sources that she may indeed wish to play for you. Don’t go calling Rotoworld.com yet, though, slugger. We haven’t hammered out salary, bonuses, or contract details and stipulations.

 

 

Big Leagues- Congratulations, lady. You’ve made the show. Now prove you belong on this team or there’s a spot for you back in the minors.

 

 

Signing Bonus- Sex. At any level.

Balk- A mixed signal sent to a player. This, much to your chagrin, causes the opposing player to wish to move to the next metaphorical base.

Agent- A female cockblock. During discussions of signing bonuses and promotions, she interferes. However, unlike a real agent, there often isn’t area for negotiation. Note: a player’s agent is one which cockblocks on more than one occasion.

Utility Man- Fuck buddy.

Mascot- Virgin. Around for entertainment, but they have yet to actually play the game.

Free Agent- A single girl…at any level. There are free agents which don’t get signed and there are free agents that many teams are seeking so sign, but a free agent is any female not currently assigned to a team. Note: If teams have obviously EXPRESSED interest in a player, proper procedure allows a period for the free agent to mull her choices. In other words, don’t cockblock too early if you know of a team that has, for the sake of argument, invited the free agent to a tryout or is putting her through a physical.

 

Non-roster Spring Training Invite (or Non-roster Invite for short)- This is someone you’re probably sure you don’t want on your team but invited for some reason. Often, this invite is alcohol-induced. A Non-roster Invite is a regrettable, random, HOPEFULLY drunken hookup that you realize after Spring Training (in the morning) that you don’t want playing on your team. You thank this person for coming to camp and make sure they know they just don’t have what it takes to perform for you on a professional or semi-professional level.

 

Low-A Short Season- This player is one that shows some glimmer of potential for a short amount of time. In this metaphor, summer equals the evening in question. A Low-A Short Season player is a random hookup that is decent and presentable. Unlike a Non-roster Invite, which you may or may not inform your friends about…ever…a Low-A Short Season layer is one you aren’t too embarrassed to talk about. You don’t necessarily want her playing for you, but she at least has some trade value.

 

Regular Low-A- This spot is reserved for two types of individuals. First, A Low-A player might be the very earliest stages of a crush. You’ve seen her across the room in Business Communications, but you haven’t really had a chance to sit down and REALLY give her a good Facebook stalking. You haven’t attempted contact and you’re not even sure you will. If you do, she may be promoted, but if you don’t… odds are she’s going to move on to a team that respects her talent. The second category of woman in Low-A are the Short Season players which become repeat offenders. Due to spending more than one evening on your proverbial bench, you’ve been forced to communicate with her and perhaps connect with her on some superficial level. Because of this, she is officially a member of your regular Low-A team.

 

Single-A- Single-A players are those that you view as legitimate contenders for promotion. These may be individuals that you have heard rumors of expressed interest from, or players who you have labeled as easily attainable if a roster spot is open. Another type of Single-A player, for instance, may be a crush that you’ve spoken with and perhaps hinted about your feelings to. Oh yeah, and she didn’t shoot you down because they wish to play for a contender or tell you she’s already signed by a handsome, rich, asshole team already…but I digress.

 

Double-A- These players are dreams which haven’t come true. You’d give your left nut, or your first through sixth-round draft picks and your ace to have her on the team. She just doesn’t know how badly you want her in the lineup. Double-A is also designated for persons you wish to potentially have in your lineup and you have received information from sources that she may indeed wish to play for you. Don’t go calling Rotoworld.com yet, though, slugger. We haven’t hammered out salary, bonuses, or contract details and stipulations.

 

 

Big Leagues- Congratulations, lady. You’ve made the show. Now prove you belong on this team or there’s a spot for you back in the minors.

 

 

Signing Bonus- Sex. At any level.

Balk- A mixed signal sent to a player. This, much to your chagrin, causes the opposing player to wish to move to the next metaphorical base.

Agent- A female cockblock. During discussions of signing bonuses and promotions, she interferes. However, unlike a real agent, there often isn’t area for negotiation. Note: a player’s agent is one which cockblocks on more than one occasion.

Utility Man- Fuck buddy.

Mascot- Virgin. Around for entertainment, but they have yet to actually play the game.