Executive: Nice job kid, you’re a rapper now.

Rapper: Awesome!

Executive: Yup. For your rap name, you can choose anything that starts with “Young” or “Lil”.

Rapper: What?

Executive: That’s the rule we have. Because nothing is more gangster or cool than a lil’ young guy. Just ask our new rapper, Lil’ Young Guy. He’s thirty-four.

Rapper: Well, uh…

Executive: Perfect. Now, I’m really excited to hear all your songs about sex, violence, money, violent sex, sex with money, and violent money.

Rapper: Violent money?

Executive: I guess. The important thing is that you connect with ‘da hood’ you know?

Rapper: I’m from Maryland.

Executive: You mean Murderland!


Executive: That’s your new name for Maryland. You know, because it’s gangster now. Also, you sell drugs.

Rapper: No I don’t.

Executive: Yes you do. You sell drugs for sexy money, which you then have violent sex with.

Rapper: Violent sex…with money.

Executive: Papercuts, buddy. Papercuts. Look, just keep it real, MC Young Baby. Just keep it real and make up all these elaborate fake stories about how you sell drugs from your solid gold tank, okay?

Rapper: Wait, what?

Executive: You sell gangster-crack, which is like regular crack, only it’s in a gang somehow.

Rapper: The drugs…are in a gang.

Executive: Yup. (sighs) It’s a tough life in suburban Murderland. Now look alive kid. You're getting shot in twelve minutes. 

Rapper: What?

Executive: Try to bleed cool, will ya? It's for the album cover.