If you’re reading this article, then you too are concerned about the dearth of frivolous Internet videos. You want to further enrich your life with footage of overweight celebrities on trampolines, or cats that sound like they’re singing classic rock while they eat, or just some quality jungle-based snuff films. But sadly these, and countless other videos, do not yet exist.

That’s why I am making a public plea for a “Viral Video Idea Clearinghouse,” perhaps even on this very website.

You probably have several wonderful ideas for videos but aren’t able to make them due to a lack of editing abilities, a lack of time, or such a strong compulsion to smell your own fingers that all else has ceased to matter.

In any case, lets get these worthy ideas into the public domain so that the more technically and less socially proficient among us can bring them to life. Here are a few to get us started:

For example, in John Carpenter’s Halloween, when Laurie realizes she forgot her chemistry book, she turns to re-enter the school but freezes in terror as Michael Myers’ car creeps past. As the camera focuses on Laurie’s face for several seconds, paralyzed with fright, we hear her friend Lynda behind her:

“Chemistry book?  Who cares?  I always forget my chemistry book, and my math book, and my English book…and…let’s see my French book…and well who needs books anyway?  I don’t need books.  I always forget all of my books…I mean…it doesn’t really matter if you have your books or not.”

John Carpenter before take: “Just say some stuff about books.”

Actress playing Lynda: “Acting is easy.”

Add a few more examples and I suspect that video will have more hits than a hooker at an angry pimp party (note: pimps be hittin’ hookers).

Fill a sparsely attended movie matinee with a hundred accomplices. Act normally for the entire movie (eat popcorn, laugh at jokes etc.). When the ending credits roll, explode with jeers and throw things at the screen. Go absolutely bonkers. You hear me? BONKERS! I don’t use that term lightly.

This is a phenomenon I learned about from my friend Adam who is a middle school teacher in Canada, but I’ve never seen it with my own eyes. Apparently it’s a new craze where students not only grind in pairs, but all mash together in some sort of mating ball, which we dubbed a “group grind.”

Adam described it as a “gravitational collapse” in which “sweaty little pairs of proto-teens” pulled together into a large “writhing globule of hormones and B.O.” They get totally out of their heads, and pound their damp groins against any approximation of genitalia they can find. And as this happens the guys form a perimeter around the girls, a “dude membrane”, so that the girls become “the nucleus in a cytoplasm of throbbing pelvi.”

Note: Adam is a science teacher, which often affects his choice of metaphor.

There remains a single facial hair design that I have yet to see. Grow two perfect circles of hair, one on each cheek. And then grow the hair very long and spike it out with gel, so it looks like there’s a big shaft of hair going through your face. I really want to get the word out on this. And that word is hairpoon.

How to present this is up to you. Maybe you can demonstrate the advantages of your new facial hair (more attention from birds) along with the disadvantages (everything else).

The idea is to take a really stupid concept so far that it elevates it to something else (that is hopefully funny). The goal would be to take it so far that it ruins the joke for people who normally find scatological humour funny, and tickles people who normally hate it.

A few ground rules I feel are necessary for this to work: (1) It needs to be a ten-minute unbroken tone with absolutely NO breaks of silence, (2) It must only use previously shot videos and (3) no sound effects.

Bonus points for getting this accepted to a film festival. And if you attempt this may I suggest the title “Toot Farm (So Many Toots)”

I’m not guaranteeing success with any of these, but my instincts tell me that at least some of them will be funny. And if I weren’t so busy creating the world’s most elaborate touchdown dance, I’d do it myself. So now that you have no excuse of a lack of ideas, get out there and infect the net with some viral vids (alternatively “vidz”). And stay tuned for The Vrooman Touchdown Medley!


Scott Vrooman