Congratulations James Cameron, you’ve finally done it. You have cemented yourself as the biggest asshole of the twenty first century.

James Cameron had the gall to write and direct the most expensive movie ever made, and base it on the characters his “Special Needs” son drew on the wall at school during clay-eating class. Avatar did to cinema what the earthquake did to Haiti, if after the earthquake someone was spiteful enough to hover over the island in a helicopter blasting “You Shook Me All Night Long” by AC/DC and dropping Lunchables covered in battery acid.

The following is the actual transcript I made up between James Cameron and the studio investors at FOX during their initial project meeting:

James Cameron teabagged the world with Avatar, and got away with it. Right now his salty metaphorical sack of condescension is still dragging slowly across the vast forehead of the globe, snatching up both the young and old into its sweaty folds. Why don’t you make a movie about that James?

Why not write something about how these people abducted by your ball sack over the course of its transcontinental teabagging come together and start a new society called Sacktopia? 

Too bad for you I already did

Upon the wrinkly grounds of Sacktopia schools are being built, businesses are flourishing, and a new world order is beginning to drop. The protagonist is Zak, a paraplegic space marine (because the academy loves cripples ‘n shit) with a heart of gold that was sent to Sacktopia from Earth on a mission to obtain natural resources or some shit. He also might be gay, I’m open to suggestions.

Anyways, Zak talks to this one dude and a bunch of space ships fly by. Zac also bangs this Sacktopian native chick, or a guy (like I said I’m flexible). There also isn’t any notion of race on James Cameron’s metaphorical sack because on Sacktopia, everyone is the same type of person: the kind who pays fifteen bucks to see three hours of animated blue cats flying around.

Soon Sacktopia is at the zenith of its decadent Pink Age when all the sudden one day it gets very cold. The whole community starts to shrink and collapse in upon itself. Scarcity of land causes the peaceful people of Sacktopia to experience war for the very first time and Zak is forced to choose sides in the fight for a place in this new, nearly inverted world. Then the robots turn on them.

Look who just wrote your next film James. That took me fifteen minutes, ten of which I spent hating you.