As most of you have probably heard, this past month and a half has been an especially hard one for Bret Michaels. The Poison rocker (Not sure if that's the correct term, but I'm going with it) has been sidelined by numerous health issues as of late. First there was a bout of acute appendicitis, then a subarachnoid brain hemorrhage, and finally a minor stroke. With all of these setbacks occuring within such a short time span, one might assume that it would only be a matter of time before there were more. By using Murphy's Law as well as a specialized algorithm that has no basis whatsoever, I have found that all indications would indeed point to this. So to avoid any speculation, I've compiled this list of hurdles that will most probably befall Mr. Michaels in the very near future.
10. Broken ribs caused by stage dive into nonexistent crowd
9. Complete bodily shut-down due to amalgamation of every venereal disease contracted during "Rock of Love"
8. Accidentally strangling self with telephone cord while attempting to contact Poison Control after being poisoned while performing with his band Poison
7. Loss of use in hands after repeated finger pricks sustained while attempting to prove own theory of all roses having thorns
6. Disruption of blood circulation in head caused by wearing bandana and/or cowboy hat every waking moment of life, regardless of proximity to biker bar or cattle ranch
5. Shark attack
4. Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from repetitive pressing of own CD's
3. Food poisoning from halibut served at Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony he was accidentally invited to
2. Concussion sustained in long-delayed grudge match with members of Cinderella and Ratt
1. Onset of severe clinical depression upon realizing he was actually a contestant on "Celebrity Apprentice"