Dolphins were recently named the "Smartest Animal in the sea- by the Discovery Channel. I interviewed a dolphin about what it was like to receive this honor.
-How does it feel to be named the smartest animal in the sea?
-To be honest, it's a little patronizing.
-How come?
-I mean, we're obviously not that smart. We get caught in tuna nets. We can learn, like, four tricks max. We sometimes accidentally rape humans.
-Really?
-Yeah, there are a bunch of documented cases. We confuse humans with female dolphins and so we rape them.
-Huh.
-Relax, I'm not going to rape you. I'm just saying: we're not very intelligent animals.
-Aren't you being a little modest? I mean, scientists have reported for years that your species has a "highly developed culture.-
-Is that what they're saying?
-Yeah it says it in this book: "Dolphins have been known to shield their snouts with sponges, showing knowledge of tools.-
-Well okay, fine. If that's what passes for culture, we've got culture. But it's not like we're going to the opera or whatever. We're putting sponges on our faces.
-What about your species' use of collaborative hunting? Doesn't that show a sophisticated – woah! Whoa, stop! Stop!
-I'm sorry.
-Was that…were you just trying to rape me?
-I got confused. I'm sorry. I thought you were a female dolphin.
-Well I'm not!
-I can see that now. Are you okay?
-I mean…I guess.
-You had a question about hunting?
-Um…yeah. So your use of collaborative…um…techniques…
-You seem a little shaken up. If you want to end this interview, I understand.
-Yeah, I think I want to end this.

Dolphins were recently named the "Smartest Animal in the sea- by the Discovery Channel. I interviewed a dolphin about what it was like to receive this honor.

How does it feel to be named the smartest animal in the sea?

To be honest, it's a little patronizing.

How come?

I mean, we're obviously not that smart. We get caught in tuna nets. We can learn, like, four tricks max. We sometimes accidentally rape humans.

Really?

Yeah, there are a bunch of documented cases. We confuse humans with female dolphins and so we rape them.

Huh.

Relax, I'm not going to rape you. I'm just saying: we're not very intelligent animals.

Aren't you being a little modest? I mean, scientists have reported for years that your species has a "highly developed culture."

Is that what they're saying?

Yeah it says it in this book: "Dolphins have been known to shield their snouts with sponges, showing knowledge of tools.-

Well okay, fine. If that's what passes for culture, we've got culture. But it's not like we're going to the opera or whatever. We're putting sponges on our faces.

What about your species' use of collaborative hunting? Doesn't that show a sophisticated – woah! Whoa, stop! Stop!

I'm sorry.

Was that…were you just trying to rape me?

I got confused. I'm sorry. I thought you were a female dolphin.

Well I'm not!

I can see that now. Are you okay?

I mean…I guess.

You had a question about hunting?

Um…yeah. So your use of collaborative…um…techniques…

You seem a little shaken up. If you want to end this interview, I understand.

Yeah, I think I want to end this.



SIMON RICH is the author of two humor collections, Free-Range Chickens and Ant Farm, which was a finalist for the 2008 Thurber Prize for American Humor. Judd Apatow calls his first novel, Elliot Allagash, "suspenseful and hilarious" and AJ Jacobs says it's "one of the funniest books about high schoolers since The Catcher in the Rye." He lives in Brooklyn and writes for Saturday Night Live. He is 25.