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My girlfriend flaked on sex with me for a piece of pie.
So it's the summer before I am supposed to go to college. My friends and I had eaten Taco Bell for lunch, I would come to regret this decision. I went over to my girlfriend's house (now my ex) because she had an awesome swimming pool and I wanted to cool off after a long run. We were both virgins, and had been talking about having sex before we both went off to different schools. We waited for her parents to leave, and we went down to the basement to mess around. We fooled about for a bit, and she told me to run to my car and get the condom. I was wearing board shorts, so I had no underwear on. As I was walking to the car, I felt a little rumble in the belly and thought it was just a fart, so I let loose. I was incorrect. I ended up sh*tting down my own leg. I freaked out, I had no idea what to do. Luckily we only lived about 6 miles from each other. I just drove home, ran inside and changed, and came back to her house. Her parents had come back by then, and she was a little confused when I returned. I told her I had an asthma attack because I was so nervous and had gone home to get my inhaler. I left for college 2 days later, we never had sex.
I asked my boyfriend if I was fat. He told me, “No, I don’t date fat girls.” I don't know whether to be happy I'm not fat or mad that my boyfriend is a dick.
So I was on a training trip with my swim team in Key Largo this past winter, and one day we decide to hit up Key West. On the team was this girl who I liked, and I was pretty sure she liked me. The only thing was, since she was noticeably hot, locals were mad fucking creepy to her. 1: we got invited into a brothel. 2:Some old dude with a video camera taped her boobs as we walked by. 3: Five minutes later some old bum walked up to her and said "HONEY! I'M HOME!!!" then cackled loudly. Funny, but it made things kind of uncomfortable. Fuck weird people.
The first time I went home with a guy I had just started seeing, he didn't tell me until we got to his house that he didn't have a bed, or a bedroom, and that he slept on the couch. Well, being drunk and horny, I decided that wasn't a big enough deal to make me leave. We just pushed the ottoman up to the couch and it actually made a pretty decent bed for us to have fun in all night. I woke up the next morning to him jumping up with a "Crap, my dad's here." Being hungover and waking up in an unfamiliar environment and generally confused, I didn't move fast enough to do anything but sit up and watch him bolt into the other room. The next second, as his dad was walking up the stairs, I pulled the blanket up to cover my naked bottom half. Without missing a beat, his dad walked over to me, stepping over my pants and thong on the floor, extended his hand and introduced himself. The first time I ever met anyone in his family I was half naked and he was too chicken to even stay in the room and help me through this extremely awkward situation. I still dated him for 2 years after that.
-K, Richard Bland
My friend tried to set me up with his girlfriend's friend. According to him, the last guy she dated was at least six inches shorter than her, so my chances were "looking good." A few weeks later we went on a double date. My date had thinning hair and puffy eyelids, which made her look like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. The kicker? She's the one who turned ME down.
One day I was hanging out with my girlfriend, just talking, and somehow our conversation leads to talking about ghosts. She starts talking about how some of her friends are really dumb and actually believe in ghosts, so i look at her with a hurt face and say "my cousin was killed by a ghost," to which she replied "oh my god im so sorry," and she was totally serious. I will never let her forget that.