The end to that sentence was "and there's still a lot of shit wrong." I know one of the seven people that has read this article is thinking "you ended your sentence with an exclamation point, you fucking idiot." Well, congratulations! You're a little bit ahead of the curve! Feel free to pat yourself on the back. I write for the Internet. Your argument is invalid.

Anyway, before I was interrupted by that theoretical asshole, I was about to say that I'm a nineties kid. I was raised on Super Mario Land (for Gameboy, what do you know about it?), Kid Cuisine, Happy Meals, and Crystal Pepsi. No shit, I actually remember drinking Crystal Pepsi. But even as a wee bastard, I saw a lot of shit wrong with the world around me and hoped that by the time I was older some things would have changed for the better. But to my youthful dismay, I saw those things not getting better, so now it's necessary for me to point them out. Some say I'm too cynical. I say fuck you.

Problem 1: Where in the Hell are all the Flying Cars?

When I was a kid my parents bought me an NES and cable TV for the house, effectively reducing their parental responsibility down to about ten percent. In my developmental stages, the funnybox promised me flying cars in the future. Well, it's 2010. Two thousand and ten. That's pretty fucking future. I have a car now. It doesn't fly. At the very least they could make "mounted missiles" a custom feature for cars. I mean, shit, if you're already spending $60K on that Bentley, why not add a few measures of protection?

Problem 2: Vacuum Cleaners

That's right. Vacuum cleaners. As said, it's two thousand and ten. Vacuum cleaners are still loud as all hell. When I was a kid and I overslept, my mom would come and vacuum all nine feet of my room. Next to my bed. While I was sleeping. Ever heard a penny get sucked into a vacuum cleaner while you're trying to sleep? It sounds like bone going through a woodchipper. We put mufflers on cars. Some of us put silencers on guns. Why can't the overpaid assholes at Oreck figure this little mystery out? They could even call it "Operation Make-it-the-Fuck-Quieter". Royalty checks coming in? I think so…

Problem 3: MMA Legality

This is kind of a recent thing, but Mixed Martial Arts has gained popularity in a lot of circles. Allow me to tell you why: because it's badass. I don't do MMA for many reasons, the biggest of which being that I'm fat, lazy, and unmotivated. But I have, however, felt the brutal pain of an armbar. That shit hurts. MMA matches are brutal- two men enter and proceed to beat the piss out of each other in the most awesome ways possible. However, in my fine state of New York, I've been told that MMA matches are unsanctioned and illegal. I've also been told that in New Jersey they are legal. Obviously the state government is fucking up if that horrible excuse for a state legalized it and we didn't. How much cash would sanctioned MMA matches bring in? I would pay to see two guys brutally assault each other in a cage made of steel if it didn't involve going all the way to Jersey.