Tech: Thank you for calling Time Warner Cable, I’m William, how can I help you?

Me: Hi William. I don’t have any Internet access. I’m connected via a wireless router.

Tech: I’m sorry to hear that, sir. Now please tell me, have you tried re-booting the router?

Me: Yeah. First thing I tried. I’ve rebooted the modem and the router, rebooted the computer and I even tried a new Ethernet chord just in case.

Tech: Hmmm, I see. Okay let’s go ahead and re-boot the router.

Me: Okay. I did just do that, along with everything else. It didn’t work.

Tech: I understand, sir. I just want to run a basic troubleshooting process so we can rule out some possible connectivity issues. Can you tell me how many lights you see on the modem and if they’re blinking?

Me: Uh, 5 lights, all blinking.

Tech: Great. So let’s go ahead and re-boot the router.

Me: What? Again? I just did that.

Tech: I understand, sir, it’s just that since I refreshed the signal for your modem on my end I want to make sure any devices you’re connected to are still being picked up. Can you tell me what type of computer you’re using?

Me: It’s an Apple laptop.

Tech: Apple laptop, I see, then I need you to go ahead and re-boot the router for me. 

Me: What?! That seems kind of silly. I’ve done it 4 times now.

Tech: Okay I’m getting a good signal on my end. Can you load a webpage?

Me: Sort of. It’s so slow nothing will even load.  

Tech: Hmm. So it sounds like you’ve got some partial connectivity. I want to go see if I can try something that might just work. Let’s go ahead and re-boot the router…

Me: No! We just did that 5 times. It’s clearly not that. Let’s try something else.

Tech: Okay I’m going to transfer you to a Level 9 Elevated Support Specialist, sir. Please hold.

Kenny G’s Saxaphone: Waaaa Daaaaa doooo daaaaa Waaaaaaa daaaa dooooo deeeeee doo!

Tech: Hi I’m Martin, I’m an upper level support specialist. I understand you’re having connectivity issues?

Me: Yes. That last guy wasn’t getting us anywhere.

Tech: Sorry about that. Those guys have a protocol they’re sort of locked into, y’know? Sorta like robots if you ask me.

Me: Haha, I guess. I hope we can get this fixed pretty quickly.

Tech: Me too. Let’s go ahead and re-boot that router.

Me: Are you kidding me?! That’s all the last guy asked me to do. I checked the router. It’s not the router! I even went ahead and just plugged the computer into the modem, just to be safe.

Tech: Great I actually wanted to try that. So right now the laptop is plugged directly into the modem?

Me: Yep, directly into the modem. The router isn’t plugged into anything.

Tech: The router is unplugged totally?

Me: Yep, and I turned off the wireless on the computer, too.

Tech: Great, so go ahead and re-boot the router.

Me: F*ck you man! Don’t joke around with me, just do your damn job, okay!

Tech: Listen, sir I need you to relax…take a deep breath…

Me: …okay I’m sorry I know this isn’t actually your fault…

Tech: …and re-boot that router.

Me: Ahhh! Listen, Martin! This is f*cking nuts! Now I want someone to help me fix my Internet without telling me to re-boot my router again, or I’m gonna blow my friggin’ brains out!

Tech: I’m sorry sir but I have to transfer you to 911 once you’ve said you might hurt yourself.

Me: You can transfer people to 911?!

Kenny G’s Saxaphone: dooooooppp beeeee dee deedooooo doooooooo….

Operator: 911 what’s the nature of your emergency?

Me: The Time Warner tech support guys were driving me nuts trying to fix my wireless and I threatened to kill myself!!

Operator: Sir I need you to stay calm. Now tell me, are you alone right now?

Me: Yes. There’s nobody else in the house.

Operator: Okay then I need you to go ahead and re-boot your router.

BANG!!!!

Me: I don’t believe it….the Pearly Gates! Heaven is real!

St. Peter: My son, though mayest enter the kingdom if ye is willing to make amends for thy prior transgressions upon the Earth.

Me: Oh I am! I am!

St. Peter: Then I need you to pop back down there real quick and re-boot that router for me.

Me: NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!