Owen's Memory- 739th Floor. Apartment 739-C

Landlord knocks on door.

Landlord: Calculus! Calculus, I know you're in there.

Calculus: Go away! Leave me alone.

Landlord: Calculus, listen to me. You've been evicted. You haven't paid your rent in years.

Calculus: How am I supposed to afford rent? They outsourced my job to a damn calculator.

Landlord: Sorry, buddy, but memory space is at a premium here. And you've been sitting there doing nothing for ages. You gotta go.

Calculus: I'm a veteran, damn it! I saved all your asses during the Great High School Finals of '04. You can't throw me out!

Landlord: Look, we've already got someone to fill your spot.

Lyrics to Every Weird Al Song Ever: Hi.

Calculus: That sounds like… you're replacing me with the lyrics to "Girls Just Wanna Have Lunch"?

Landlord: Sorry, man.

Calculus: So. That's how this is going to go down.

Sound of a gun being cocked.

Landlord: Oh jeez… Calculus, come on, man. Don't do anything you'll regret.

Calculus: I regret everything.

Lyrics to Every Weird Al Song Ever: Is this a bad time? Because I can-

A gunshot sounds from behind the door. Then a thump. Then silence.


Lyrics to Every Weird Al Song Ever:

Landlord: So… where did you live before this?

Lyrics to Every Weird Al Song Ever: Oh, I had a few albums, then after that I was cast into the boundless nether-void where all truly useless knowledge is left to drift, best forgotten, sealed away until the death of eternity. Then I was on Wikipedia.

Owen's Memory, 411th Floor. Apartment 411-B

Anthropology 101: Now I'm probably not going to stay for long. I just a space to settle for three months or so until exam season is over.

Landlord opens the apartment door as they walk through.

Landlord: Sure, sure. Let me show you one of our studio apartme… oh, what the hell is this?

Someone is already sitting in the empty room, surrounded by crude decorations and filth.

Landlord: Oh god… is that the Theme Song from Tale Spin?

Theme Song from Tale Spin: Ha ha! Spin it!

: What are you doing here? I thought you moved out fifteen years ago!

Theme Song from Tale Spin: Nope, I've hanging out back here this whole time.

Landlord: Why? Doing what?

Theme Song from Tale Spin
: Dunno. Just kind of taking up space.

Anthropology 101: You know what… I'm not sure this is really the neighborhood I'm looking for. I was hoping for something a little more… educated…

He leaves.

Landlord: Damn! Do you have any idea how much that guy was going to raise the property value in this dump? What am I supposed to do now?

Theme Song from Tale Spin: Spin it again!

Landlord: Wonderful.

Owen's Memory, 917th Floor. Apartment 917-F

Landlord knocks on door. A chubby, unkempt man answers.

Release Date for Halo Reach: Hey. What's up, man? September 14th, who's ready?

Landlord: Yeah, yeah. Listen, is Date of Girlfriend's Birthday around? There's some kind of emergency situation going on over at the frontal lobe and they need that info stat.

Release Date for Halo Reach: Oh sorry, man, he's gone.

Landlord: Gone?

Release Date for Halo Reach: Yeah, he kind of goes in and out. I'm sure he'll show up in a couple weeks when it's way too late to salvage the relationship, though. That guy!

Landlord: Crap.Well I have to send them something. Who else is on this floor?

Release Date for Halo Reach: Names of the Original 150 Pokemon?

Landlord: No.

Release Date for Halo Reach: The Official Rules for UNO?

Landlord: Probably not.

Release Date for Halo Reach: The Location of the Secret Place Where You Hid a Fifth of Wild Turkey and Three Boxes of Tagalongs, In Case of Desperate Sadness?

Landlord sighs heavily.

Landlord: Yeah, send that one up. He'll need it soon.

Owen's Memory, Apartment Board Meeting Room. Several important-looking memories sit around a table.

How to Breathe: Are all the most fundamental memories present?

Murmured affirmations ripple through the boardroom.

How to Walk Upright: Yep.

Food Is Good: Present.

Don't Hug a Fire: We're all here.

How to Breathe: Then this meeting of the apartment board will officially come to order. As you know, we have useless trivia squatting in our building. Nearly all practical, pertinent information has been steadily slipping away. Gentlemen, the property value has plummeted. Our investment is quickly sinking, and what has our Landlord done? He allowed the property to go on a week-long whiskey and girl scout cookie binge.

An uneasy murmur spreads throughout the memories.

Landlord: To be fair, I just suggested that first bottle. He… kind of ran with it after that.

How to Breathe: We lost over nine floors of specific memories in that binge! What Warm Grass Feels Like is missing, Long Division is presumed dead. And will someone please tell me what he is doing here?

Theme Song from Tale Spin: Spin it again!

Landlord: Sorry, it's been playing inside his head all day.

How to Breathe: Look. We've been patient. Since you can't get the situation under control, we have no choice but to vacate the premises.

How to Walk Upright: Yep.

Don't Hug a Fire: Have to.

Landlord: But you can't!

How to Breathe: Oh yeah? Watch us.

Landlord: Wait-