I thought tonight I'd meet a lady
I thought I'd bring her home
I thought we'd spend the night together
but instead I sleep alone

My buddy Steve had seen her first
I had no plans to interfere
They hit it off and left together
and left me with my beer

Don't read me wrong, I'm not upset
I'm proud, but to that end
I've done what any pal would do
I hit on her fat friend

You see them at every night club
and she's there at every bar
When a hot girl wants to get shit-faced
She'll ride in her fat friend's car

This out-of-shape protector,
armed with sarcastic quips,
is there to cock block any man
when she should really block her lips

So I told her I loved cookies,
said she looked like Bridget Jones
She let down her guard and smiled
and passed a plate of chicken bones

"Ahh, free wings! How I've forgotten!
They can't resist free snacks!"
I wondered if she ever has,
as I rubbed her chubby back

"Is that popcorn over there,
in that basket on the bar?"
And before I finished "basket"
The hot girl was in Steve's car

No, we never exchanged numbers
but I was sure we'd meet again
If not this girl, there'd be another
another hot girl's fat friend

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