Fletcher: OH NO! I CAN ONLY TELL THE TRUTH!
Max: Wow! So is Santa real?
Fletcher: No, absolutely not.
Max: Oh Jesus.
Fletcher: He's not real either! Neither is God.
Max: So what happens when you die?
Fletcher: You just rot in the ground. There is no such thing as a soul.
Max: Is it my fault you and mommy divorced?
Fletcher: Yes. You ruined our marriage.
Max: Do you love me?
Fletcher: Only on weekends.
Carl: I was raped last night.
Peter: Oh my god, Carl. I'm so sorry.
Carl: It's okay. I just don't
Peter: Um, one question did you say "yes?"
Carl: yes. I had to though. Remember how I now say "yes" to everything?
Peter: It's just technically then, it wasn't rape.
Peter: can I have sex with you?
Carl: We both know how this is going to end.
Melissa: Ace, we need to talk.
Ace: EXCUSE ME, MELISSA, CAN I ASS YOU A QUESTION?
Melissa: Jesus, Ace, they found the dolphin. It's dead.
Ace: DO YOU THINK THE LIEUTENANT IS A CON-FARTIST?
Melissa: Please stop, Ace. Have an honest conversation with me.
Ace: LET'S GO TO EGYPT AND SOLVE THE RIDDLE OF THE GREAT SPHINCTER OF GIZA.
Melissa: He's dead, Ace! Dead! You can't hide behind your butt-talk forever!
Ace: (sobbing) ANUS.
Network Executive: We have a problem, Christof.
Christof: What's going on?
Network Executive: Well, Truman's 4 years old now. It turns out the audience is comprised almost entirely of pedophiles.
Christof: I guess that makes a lot of sense. He doesn't really do anything except play with blocks. Who else would watch that?
Network Executive: Building this island-sized set and hiring hundreds of actors so people could watch a live webcam about a baby may have been a bad investment.
Christof: So what do you want me to do?
Network Executive: I'm canceling the show.
Christof: What happens to 4 year-old Truman?
Network Executive: He's on his own now.
God: Now you have God-powers.
Bruce: B-E-A-utiful. First thing to do is impregnate a 13 year old girl with my son.
Bruce: Maybe I should send a bunch of plagues to Egypt first. Ya know, just indiscriminately kill all first-born males.
God: Okay, you can stop. I get it.
Bruce: Really all I care about is making sure gay dudes can't get married. That would offend me.
God: That's it, you're done.
Bruce: I've already started the Rapture, man.
God: Well. This did not go as expected.