It’s an unfortunate transformation from holly and jolly in the winter to sweaty and smelly in the summer, but that’s life as a big, fat, hairy guy. With no football games to watch or fantasy baseball teams to draft, all that’s left to do is go out into the sweltering heat and wear tank tops in public places. They may lure you in with the prospect of ice cold beer and bratwurst but the smell of their fuzzy lard baking in the sun all day will be too much for you to handle. It’s not like they were going to share anyway.

The saying “If you’ve got it, flaunt it” is in the present tense for a reason, but not everybody adheres to the rules. Ever since the bikini was invented by a French engineer in 1946 there have been ladies way past their prime trying to fit into them. Luckily for the people who lived back then, the world was in black and white and lower back tattoos had yet to catch on. Unfortunately for us, visits to the beach are marred by droopy breasts, wrinkled skin, and the occasional conflicted thought.

Lifeguards are great when they are saving your life, but the other 99.9% of the time all they’re guarding are the boring rules set by their superiors. Why do you think they put the white zinc on their nose? It’s to cover up the brown. From the moment you enter the desired swimming area everything you do is monitored by the lifeguard’s watchful eye. Sitting on their perch like a well-tanned, CPR certified eagle, ready to swoop in and save a struggling swimmer or verbally abuse someone for running. You don’t need their attitude, make friends with someone who has their own pool. After all, life is far too short to walk around the pool.

Just in case it ever slips your mind that you have yet to find a job for the summer or that not even one of the 48 applications you filled out over the past couple of days has earned you so much as a phone call, you can count on these two for a less than cordial reminder. When they are not commenting on your financial woes, you can expect in-depth analysis of your lifestyle as a whole. The analysis is broken into small segments often referred to as “dinner” and will cover everything from your girlfriend to when you plan on getting a haircut. Which will be as soon as possible because after all, it is their house, their food, their rules and you will do as they say… because they love you.

It’s hard to tell if they can hear you or not, but even if they could they’re probably too focused on achieving their fitness goals to care about what you have to say. It hurts to be ignored but the real pain comes when they run across the street despite the warning sounds of your horn and cause a five-car pileup. They’ll prance away scot-free while you’re stuck with a totaled car, back pain, and insurance payments up the wazoo. Not to mention the horrible feeling you get when you see someone else exercising.  

Sometimes it’s fun to take a trip down memory lane, but more often than not it results in a debilitating realization that you 1.) were a total loser or 2.) are a huge disappointment. Once you have come to that realization the excitement of talking to a “blast from the past” is washed away and you’ll want to end the conversion and might think long and hard about doing the same to your life. Avoiding your ex-classmates is not only key to maintaining mental health; it will leave you something to talk about at the reunion. Which is only a couple of years away, just sayin’.