The following are actual quotes from political figures throughout American history. Prepare to be shocked and apalled…

"And then I pooped my car keys"
— Alan Greenspan

"Where did Rumsfeld go? I ate him."
—Carl Rove

"If I had a dollar for everytime I got my shit pushed in, I'd have a shit-load of dollars."
—John Ashcroft

"Sometimes I go to hotel rooms and jack off in the sink."
—Tom DeLay

"The children are our future. Our tender, supple, naughty little future"
— Mark Foley

"I like big butts. I cannot lie."
—Bill Clinton

"My cock is SO fucking big!"
—Hillary Clinton

"I'm black…. NOT!"
—Alan Keys

"I invented internet porn"
— Al Gore
"I invented gay internet porn."
— Ralph Nader

"Niggas that be disrespectin' n' shit gon get blasted, for real"
—Aaron Burr

"Everybody needs some jungle love now and again."
—Thomas Jefferson

"So you're like, done. Right?"
—Sally Hemmings

"Of course we're safe. There's no fucking way they can shoot that fa-"
—David Crocket

"Four score and seven… Ah, fuck it. All you niggers are free."
—Abraham Lincoln

"I've got such a fucking chubby"
—Abraham Lincoln.

—John Wilkes Booth

"Furthermore, Senator Brooks' mother is so engorged on the salted hams and intoxicating liquors of the West Indies that her waistband has been elongated to the distance of the earth's circumference."
—Charles Sumner

"Ahhh, hail naw. I'm gonna fucking BEAT this fool."
—Preston Brooks

"What the fuck do you mean our currency has no value? Well shit, thats easy. Print a shit-load of it, dumbasses!"
—Jefferson Davis

"I can't believe I ate the whole thing!"
—Jeffrey Dahmer

—Benjamin Franklin

"O RLY?"


"You know what I could really go for right now? Some Virginia SLIMS, if you know what I mean…"
—Newt Gingrich

"Condi, get me a sandwich. Lost is on."
—George W. Bush

"Yessah massah Bush."
—Condoleeza Rice

"Satan, my man, what it do?"
—Pat Robertson

"Have you heard the new Dre? That shit is fucking dope."
—Strom Thurmond

"You know what's better than sex with a four-year-old Korean boy? Not a damn thing."
—Sean Hannity

"Let's get fucking DRUNK"
—Ted Kennedy. er. John Kennedy. er. Robert Kennedy.. er….