Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
The Style Guys Review Your Valentine's Day Plans
The Style Guys
February 13, 2007
The Style Guys have been laying low since ripping into your terrible family over Christmas break. But now they’re back to be overly critical of your Valentines Day plans. Let’s see how they’ll hurt your feelings this holiday!
Ooooh, look at moneybags over here! Looks like you threw on the one nice shirt you own, borrowed a tie from your roommate and took your special gal out to the nicest restaurant within walking distance. You almost convinced me you’re a sophisticate, save that you can’t pronounce anything on the menu. “Whores devors” huh? You didn’t even want chicken parmigana, you only ordered it because it’s the only thing your moronic brain could process. To add that extra touch of culture, you rounded out the meal with a lukewarm sixer of bud light. C’mon man, tone down the classy stuff, you’re making the rest of us look bad.
“Ah yes, I see now. Michael, party of douche. Yes, right this way, sir. We sat you over here in the section called the most horribly awkward two hours of your entire life.” I mean, do you even know the rules? Did you even know there
rules? Evidently not. Right off the bat: Bringing a jacket. I see you didn’t know that, but don’t worry they have one you can borrow. It has an “immature retard” name tag on it, but that should be fine because you're an immature retard. However, you possess many other shortcomings that you can’t just “borrow” form the restaurant. Stuff like knowing how to order wine, knowing how each fork is used, and knowing not to ask the waiter which one of those French words means “burrito.” You truly are a horrible, horrible companion and lover.
Way to be original, guy. I’m sure your girlfriend wanted nothing more than to spend the evening watching a broad comedy in a packed theater. It sucks that you couldn’t get seats next to each other, but it doesn’t really matter because you’re there to watch the film not snuggle. And way to step it up and get her her own popcorn and soda. I’m sure she meant to thank you but was too enraptured by the subtle wit of “Norbit” to say anything. Nothing puts a lady in the mood like watching high school couples makeout and text message their friends across the theater. “Is ur dad picking us up?” “I dunno. Maybe?” “I have 2 be home by 10” “ur gay” Ahhh, young couples. Is there anything more appropriate on Valentine’s Day?
You’re going to die alone, do you realize that? That’s funny now, but its not when you’re clutching your chest late at night in your house, all by yourself, yelling at the top of your already collapsed lungs and nobody loves you enough to even care about it. Mainly because you think nothing says I love you like shushing your girlfriend when she tries to whisper during your favorite scene of “Epic Movie.” And while roses are romantic so is demanding that she doesn’t kiss your cheek because her lips have grease from the popcorn on it. “I don’t care that I asked for extra butter, don’t fucking touch me you slut.” You truly are a horrible, horrible companion and lover.
Look at Mr. Do-It-Himself here! You really know what a lady wants: a one course mac and cheese feast prepared in the elegant dorm common room. You even bravely risked the $50 fine and put some candles on the tray tables you hauled over from your room. Maybe you guys could get a quick game of ping pong in before you whisk her away to your twin extra-long for a night of reminding her to stifle her moans so your roommate doesn’t wake up and get “hella pissed.” I know you think women want a man to cook for them – and they do, in the real world – but the resources available to you in a dorm don’t lend themselves to a romantic, sexy dinner. If you honestly think that a few packets of Easy Mac are going to seal the deal on Valentine ’s Day, you’re sadly mistaken. “But I got the extra large pack,” you say. Great! That’s twice as much shitty food you can eat all alone!
Well if it isn’t the frugal gourmet. Hey, you made your specialty again! Caesar salad! That is so good. How did you get the cheese on your lettuce again? Oh okay, you just poured grated parmesan on it. Wow,
Garlic bread!? Jesus you spoil her, she’s definitely not wishing she was with her ex boyfriend right now! How about instead of cooking her dinner, you call her hours before the date, tell her she looks fat and ugly and not to bother coming over, that way when she breaks up with you tomorrow you’ll know exactly why, and you won’t have a giant bowl of browning lettuce in your fridge the next day as a cruel reminder of how pathetic and not loveable you are as a boyfriend. You truly are a horrible, horrible companion and lover.
You’re an awesome friend, you know that. It’s true, dude. Even on Valentine’s Day, you didn’t ditch your boys to hang out with your lame-ass girlfriend! You figured out the true meaning of friendship: dragging your girlfriend to a bar to watch your buddy try to eat 50 buffalo wings in ten minutes. Even though you never asked her, I’m sure this is what she would have wanted to do. I mean, it’s not everyday Meatfist enters a wing-off and why wouldn’t she want to support your friend? Maybe if she’s lucky, you’ll let her help you and your boys build “like, the biggest snow penis ever. With veins and shit!” That should get her in mood for a little romance…right after you slam back these Jager bombs with Chad. What? He challenged you to bomb-off, how could you say no?
Ah, I can hear it already, “I don’t get it, why are you so angry at me!? When I asked if we can go out with my boys for Valentines you said ‘fine, whatever’ now you’re getting all pissed at me!? Come on, I gave you those chocolates! What!? A peanut butter m&m is chocolate, what do you mean!? I can’t believe I even took the time to find you a red one if this is how unappreciative you were going to be.” Smooth move, stud. You truly are a horrible, horrible companion and lover.
Wow, you really beat the system, dude. Nothing is sexier to women than a guy who’s not afraid to be a cheap asshole.
. You truly are a horrible, horrible companion and lover.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.